Finding my Religion
Jul 10th, 2007 by Jane Devin
At nine years old I stood at the door of the temple, trembling yet determined. I suspected, with a mix of childish fear and hope, that opening the door would change my life irrevocably. My small hand, bronzed by the sun, gripped the door lever.
My nails were freshly cut and my hands, like the rest of my body, smelled of Ivory soap and a generous helping of my mother’s Skin-So-Soft lotion. My clean and still-damp hair was pulled back in a neat ponytail. I had abandoned my regular outfit of shorts and a T-shirt, and borrowed a summer dress from my older sister, who knew such grown up things as the difference between summer and winter dresses. It was the first time I was entering one of God’s houses – I wanted God to know I did not take the occasion lightly, and I wanted the Rabbi to understand, too.
As I entered the temple, I breathed a sigh of relief. The synagogue in Reno, Nevada was as plain and simple on the outside as it was inside. The small building sat alone in the middle of a dirt field, on a plot of land not yet consumed by houses. Inside, there was none of the imposing grandeur I had seen on television church sermons. There were no stained glass windows or gigantic Roman columns, just a single and reassuring Star of David on the far wall.
“May I help you?” A man in a red sweater, clean-shaven, with thinning hair, came suddenly from around the corner. I stared at him stupidly before finding my voice.
“I’m looking for the Rabbi,” I whispered.
“Yes?” he said, sounding somewhat annoyed.
“Are you the Rabbi?”
“Yes,” he said again, peering at me impatiently. I willed myself to swallow my fear, and told him I wanted to join the temple.
“Are your parents Jewish?” the Rabbi said.
“No, my mom isn’t anymore. My dad never was, I think.” I replied. “They are not religious.”
“Your parents need to be members,” the Rabbi said shortly. “Have them call me and I will discuss classes with them.” He began to walk away.
“They won’t come,” I called after him.
“That’s too bad for you.” the Rabbi called back, then added, “But maybe they know what’s best.”
Outside, I kicked at the pebbles with my clean white sneakers and my eyes welled with tears. I felt, as I often did at that age, misunderstood and very much outside the rest of the world: an isolated child in a disconnected universe of adult mysteries and vague hostilities. I yearned for peace and friendliness the way other children yearned for toys or treats. I thought I might find kindness and unity at the temple. On that day, thirty-four years ago, I did not.
The quest for unity is not the same as the quest for God, whom I have always had a deeply personal relationship with. Before I knew anything about religion, or the Bible, or the Torah, I knew about God. From a very early age I spoke and prayed to God without inducement or formal learning. I sensed the presence of a spiritual form inside of me, and surrounding me, from my very earliest memories. I knew God existed just as surely as I knew that I had a voice.
Later, when Christians told me I could not get to God without accepting Jesus as His son, I viewed their beliefs with skepticism and humor. I had spoken to God for several years intimately by this time. What was placed in my heart through those conversations was a yearning for peace, a deep curiosity, a respect for the potential of human beings, and a longing to see every person reach their highest potential.
I was, by all accounts, a strange child, perhaps by circumstance, perhaps by nature. I was the product of an extramarital affair, a fact that devastated my mother and embittered her husband. My birth was a solemn occasion, and my upbringing was a severe and constant reminder of an unfortunate mistake. As I grew, I exhausted the supply of books in the school library with my passion for reading but I was a poor student, given to daydreaming and asking the wrong kinds of questions at the wrong time. I taxed the patience of teachers.
I seemed to have little in common with the children around me and was not sought after for play. Yet I was not, in my heart of hearts, truly unhappy. I never once felt that God planned or intended an unfortunate life for me. Instead, I felt it was my mission to learn all that I could from my childhood so that I could carry the lessons into adulthood. In many ways, I felt blessed by my misfortunes. I knew, before many of my peers knew, so many varied things about people, facts, and circumstances.
I left my childhood home at sixteen to create my own adult life. In the years since, I have faced an incredible, almost preternatural amount of challenges, and learned more about people and society than I ever imagined I would. My mission was not to be a short one after all, or easy. Through it all, I read books and wrote volumes. I continued, always, to learn and to nurture the spiritual part of me that is inherently happy. I still do not believe God is responsible for the human challenges I have faced, only that God is there to as a source of strength and encouragement, so that I can face obstacles bravely and with hope.
And still, after all these years, I yearn for peace and friendliness and potential, and for a unity I suspect might be found through Judaic fellowship. I am Jewish by way of basic beliefs and bloodline, but there is a childhood history I do not share, an unfamiliar language, and traditions I know only from books. After reading much about local synagogues, I chose one yesterday for its warm and embracing presentation and its social activism. And once again, I have gathered enough courage to approach the door. A small act of bravery, late in life, but no less personal or heartfelt. I pray it goes gently and well.
Jane,
I pray it goes well for you too. That was so sad that you were turned away as a child.
Too many adults don’t take kids seriously enough, but I understand that the Rabbi probably didn’t know what else to do, without your parents being there. You must have felt so alone and dejected.
You seem like a very gentle, loving and understanding person. For anyone not knowing, one would think you’d have come from a very loving, wholesome family, but I do know a little about what you’ve gone through from your other stories.
You have done well for yourself and you can be proud of yourself Jane.
Good luck in your faith.
Jane, I wish I was where you are. I would go with you.
Dear QV and Jane,
I’m with you, where we are.
Love Always,
Freida
My temple, my church, is my body.
This is what I have learned and believe.
Be true to yourself.
Love Always,
Freida
This is for Deb,
http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=deliver+me&search=
i don’nt know how anyone can live with out the belief of ahigher power. how could i have raised my children with out the guide lines. i learned as a child,. it does’nt matter that i was from a mormon family, or you from a jewish family or another religon. it matters that we had guide lines to live by and to give some of those to our children. i see so many kids just around me here that have not a bit of knowledge of god. i feel so bad for them. we all need to have that. what would i do if there was no god? there would be no heaven. where wouild all the spirits be with out god, would there b none. no miracles. or no hoping for a miracle. and i am not overly religious. but i depend on god and i always have and my gaurdian angel. when you are a child it feels so much safer. and i am sorry the rabbi did’nt understand that children need god .
Dear VIVIAN,
Adults need God, children are pure.
The real angels among us.
Love Always,
Freida
Jane,
Because of your intimate relationship with God you know that the first time you approached the Temple door you were not alone. He was with you, because He was in you. Your heart was full of Him. After all of these years, your heart is still so full of Him, and because He loves you, He has given you the joy of human friendship. He has made room in your heart for those of us who wish to accompany you on this auspicious occasion.
As you prepare to cross that threshold once again, take a deep breath and know that our hearts and our prayers are with you.
Lot’s of Love…dani MarieBernadette
Jane,
These are very powerful words, your words.
I still do not believe God is responsible for the human challenges I have faced, only that God is there to as a source of strength and encouragement, so that I can face obstacles bravely and with hope.
You’re correct in saying that God is not responsible for the human challenges you’ve faced. He allowed these things to happen in your life for a reason. The second part of the above paragrah is a part of the reason. You realize who he is and what his purpose is.
Remember, what you are yearning for and trying to find has been there all the time. God alone can satisfy your desperate longings.Without him, even the sources of human happiness, such as family and possessions, invite stress and agitation. Only when you make God the center of your life will you find true fulfillment.
You’ve already made the first step, keep walking!
Jane,
Don’t worry about “religion”. I think to God, religion is obsolete. The common thread is “What is your relationship with him?” It sounds like you’ve already begun developing that relationship a while back and now you only need clarity. Ask God to show you how to find what you need. You know you can’t do it alone.
God, I bring my questions and doubts to you, and trust that you will sustain me, for my hope is in you.
Amen.
Joni, thank you so much for your post, and for understanding that day, and for knowing how important it was for me to move up and away to build a better family.
EJ! Nice to see you, I missed your presence here! Thank you for your inspiring words. I, too, believe religion may be obsolete, but that at its best it may be a source of comfort and a backbone of family traditions.
Danigirl, I’ve missed you as well. It was lonely around here during the holidays. I felt like the one kid left at the reform school while everyone else went home for the holidays. Thank you for your encouragement now, and always. By the way, your web page is beautiful.
QV, just take a drive — bring the kids — and we’ll make a day of it!
Freida and Vivian, children are pure. One of the inspirations from this article came from a psychological study I read back in college that said even children raised without religion often speak to God or something they perceive as a higher power. I wonder if humans are, at least in part, wired to hold some inherent spiritual beliefs outside of those learned in society.
As Mother Theresa once said, “If you are a Christian be a good Christian, If you are a Muslim be a good Muslim and so on…….
Religion is our path to God and I was blessed with friends from diffrent religions and parents who let me visit to find my own path. I really feel in my heart that God will judge us on our kidness and actions twords each other.
God Bless…..
deb
freida children are pure , they need god to stay that way
Dear VIVIAN,
You are probably right.
I’m inclined to be skeptical of everything,
I would like to be less emotional and more logical.
I admire people like the late Carl Sagan.
Though I have many doubts I am religious,
and that’s what truly makes me a sinner.
I don’t want to dislike someone just because they
don’t believe what I believe, but sometimes I do.
Dear Jane,
The first Rabbi you encountered was not very kind.
Humility is a wonderful thing, arrogance I do detest.
Love Always,
Freida
VIVIAN,
Please, always capitalize the Name of Our Lord ‘God!’
He is here among us.
Love Always,
Freida
LOL, I left out some comma’s.
VIVIAN…please don’t read me the wrong way.
Dear Jane,
Just one more thing, before I say my prayers and go
to sleep tonight.
We seem to dwell more on Our Father in Heaven, taking
for granted Our Mother, Our Earth, Our Nature, and
She is Us!
Good Night and Sweet Dreams,
Freida
My precious friend, you wrote “I wonder if humans are, at least in part, wired to hold some inherent spiritual beliefs outside of those
learned in society.”
Since God is the embodiment of love, it stands to reason that you are absolutely right. God the Father created us in his own image. He wants us to know him. He wants us to love him. There could be no other reason for us to be here. He certainly doesn’t need us. If we are familiar with the Old Testament, we know that he had no problem making himself known to mankind. We also know that he is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow and that would mean yes he makes himself known to us even if we have no formal religious experiences. Continue to delight in him as he delights in you.
Freida, the fact that you are religious is not what makes you a sinner. It is what makes you aware of your sins. We are all sinners. It is a part of the human condition. Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the men of old received divine approval. {Heb 11:1-2 RSV}
Doubt is also a part of the human condition. We go through life wanting answers. It is the holding steadfast to our faith, in spite of our doubt, that propels us forward on our faith journey.
The easiest thing in the world to do is to believe that God exists.
You were right when you mentioned that children are pure. The concept of God should be one of the most difficult ideas for children to grasp, since God cannot be seen. Yet, they have no problem whatsoever believing in him. It is only when reasoning comes into the picture that we have doubts. Thus we must rely on our faith to dispel the doubts.
Dear Dani,
In this early morning hour of my unrest, I search for my mother,
for you, for earth, and I feel we neglect her and look toward God,
like we honor a man.
I want my mother, the lady, the nurturing I once felt from someone,
the female, not Him, the woman that born me, that fed me from her
own body…
She made me, not Him.
Please forgive me.
Love Always,
Freida
Jane, I am very sorry for your hurt when that man turned his back on you.
I grew up in a very religious catholic family. We had a little family owned church next to us and during some religious holidays, I helped change the clothes of those figures (saints?) and I felt so honored. As I grew into adulthood and shed my cocoon, I became convinced that such belief was as futile as believing in Santa.
There was a hurricane once that caused damage to the roof of our house, so we spent a few days in that little church until the house was repaired. For the strangest reason, being there felt like a vacation and I think of it fondly!
Isabel,
I’ve been through the force of a hurricane, too.
The eye was so, calm before the second wall came through.
Mother Nature is more awesome than New York’s 4th of
July (Macy’s) display.
I also remember ‘her’ fondly.
Freida…
There is nothing to forgive. You are a deep thinker and the hour is late/early.
Girlfriend, No matter what age we are blest to reach, no matter what the circumstances of the relationship we had with our mother..we can never quite shed that umbilical cord. It is so natural for us to want our mothers.
We need to remember that the feminine qualities and characteristic’s inherent in the bond of motherhood, whether cultural assumptions or personal recollections, exist because they first existed in God.
He is the ultimate nurturer.
We long for the physical.. the nurturing, love and closeness that the bond of motherhood represents because we are physical beings. It is an expression of love that we can identify with.
When we feel that longing in the pit of our stomach, when it almost takes our breath away, when we want to cry out with every fiber of our being.. then it is the soul calling out for God. It is his nurturing that we want.
We cannot find rest, until we rest in Him.
I have a similar story. I went to Church every Sunday until I was about 23. I had lots of questions about it but I loved the community and the faith that I felt there. I went with friends of my parents. They picked me up and dropped me off after the mass - because my parents, didn’t go.
That summer (when I was about 23) I went backpacking through various European countries with two friends. We ended up in Padova (Italy) and went to visit a famous church there that is reknowned for it’s fresco’s - paintings by Giotto. It was a very hot day (over 35 degrees) and we were dressed accordingly. There were stands outside of the church selling scarves and the like but we assumed that if we were not appropriately dressed that we wouldn’t be allowed in so we gave it a shot. (We didn’t have money to throw around on scarves…) We approached the entrance to the church and PAID to get into the section of the church where the frescoes were. I was wearing a skirt and a t-shirt without sleeves. My two friends were wearing skirts and regular t-shirts. We paid our tickets and were allowed in.
What a beautiful place that church was. It filled my lungs with awe! It was so quiet (despite many people there) and cool (relative to the temperature outside) and wonderful. We spent over 20 minutes walking around looking at the frescoes…
Out of the blue, we heard a man screaming. There was a lot of commotion and everyone started stirring. In that beautiful quiet he was yelling and making a ruckus and everyone turned to look.
His screaming was coming closer and closer, everyone was turning around to look at what was happening and, that man, was screaming - at me! He was telling me that I should feel ashamed walking in the house of the lord without sleeves and that it was not acceptable that I had been allowed in and that I had to leave immediately!
That man escorted me out of the church. My friends, in their normal t-shirts stayed. That man was a priest. Or rather, as I see things to this day (decades later) he was a man, dressed as a priest because there was nothing else that was priestly about him. I believe in God to this day. Strongly. But I have never attended a mass (other than for family ceremonies) since!
Jane - Your Rabii was the same man. Dressed in different clothes. Men don’t make God. While they would like to think that they represent him/her, they do not.
God is within you.
we do not need a church to worship god. and to have to pay to get in is sacreligious. my favorite time is on the outside where ever there is quiet and i see all that god gave us. my bed i move to the window so i can see the moon when i open my eyes through the night, and in the early morning, just before the sunrise i go out side and i am always in awe of the beauty of a fresh moring, its new and it makes me feel new. and i do thank god for all he has given me and if i speak with a lisp or stutter or cry. or speak in another language, he does’nt care . he understands that i believe i him more than anything else in this world. he is an understanding god ,and a forgiving god.
Dear Jane, and VIVIAN, and dani, and Jackie, and Lynda, and Micha, and Deb (Logical, and Deb A., and Joni, and EJ, and Isabel, and anyone I left out,
I have even, knelt inside my closet in my darkest hours, to pray.
I learned to do that from somewhere dear.
My mother had an incurable disease, she was seeking and kept a Bible beside her always. She taught me to memorize many Psalms.
We went to all kinds of Churches, from Holy Rollers to Mormons, we even sought out Psychics.
She wanted to live, and she was so afraid of dieing…and I felt so helpless. She was only 45 and doctors could not help her, they knew not the cause or the cure. Doctors can’t even cure the common cold (LOL).
I know little kids that have been diagnosed with ADHD, and their parents feed them drugs…and ignore them. I know many ‘old’ friends are taking Anti-depressants; I know paranoid schizophrenics…I know the diagnosis is just an opinion, a judgment, and a verdict. I know people on street drugs, and alcoholics, and some who take valium, it’s so readily available overseas. Getting old s**ks, and sometimes, so does living.
I know the truth. Doctors and Insurance Companies are getting rich.
I’m not a very sociable person, I really hate being lonely, yet I like being alone…way too, much, maybe.
I feel so close to you, and the others that comment here.
This feels like family, my Religion… My love for everyone here, all the opinions, the thougts, the thinking out loud, the beliefs, the ideas…What a place this is.
Love Always,
Freida
P.S. I really believe Our Mother is being neglected.
Frieda,
You bring me hope with your prayers. What a wonderful thought of you praying for me, someone you don’t hardly know. It brings a smile to my heart! You are a very special Lady and I hope to get to know you more!
deb
Micha, what an incredible story. I can only imagine how shocked, upset and belittled you must have felt that day. And in a place of beauty and worship, how peculiar and out of place that kind of rant must have seemed.
Freida, that was a beautiful post. Thank you for giving us a glimpse into that spirit where both love of solitude and love for other coexist.
Isabel, we didn’t have any great family traditions — well, unless you count the making of pierogies on holidays — but I think many people can find something from their childhood that ceased to mean much to them, only to find themselves turning back to it as an adult as a source of comfort or joy.
Vivian, I agree that institutions are not needed — but think it would be wonderful if they existed as a place where people could gather in peace.
Freida,
My God always bless you. I agree that doctors don’t know how to cure a lot of things that we wish they could, but Jesus can. If he can’t fix it, nobody can. I, too, lost my mom at an early age, but I felt at peace because I knew she was ready to meet her saviour. I believe she is at peace and away from all of the pain and suffering that she endured here on this earth.
You are not alone! God’s never-failing love will go with you wherever your journey takes you. Simply believe, he tells you as you lean into the wind and surrender yourself to healing and hope.
Teach me how to live, O Lord
Psalm 27:11