Pt. 10 - In the End. . .
Jun 20th, 2007 by Jane Devin
I felt some distant and familiar calling the night after Anna Nicole Smith died.
Images of her would not leave my mind as I laid down to sleep. Anna, head thrown back laughing. Anna with wounded eyes; shell-shocked by the cruelty of shock jock Howard Stern’s radio show. Anna saying he’s shy; Daniel’s shy. Gazing at him with love. So many images, capturing everything from giddiness to numbness to anger.
Sleepless, and a bit confused as to why someone I did not know would be so present in my mind, I gave in to the unwanted but persistent middle-of-the-night urge to write something: for her, about her, or on her behalf.
I sat down at the white screen and fought the dread and fear that had kept me away from writing for more than two years. Actors have stage fright, writers have writer’s block, but I had something else to fear. Passion. Impulse.
The knowledge that once I started to write about anything that moved me, I would not be able to stop. It would become consuming, and there would never be enough time left at the end of the day. Frustrated, I might turn my life upside-down, quit paying jobs, and move to any hole in the wall I had to in order to find privacy and rent that was affordable for the barely employed.
I had done something similar three times in adulthood before, each time bearing more consequences than the next. Those in my life who meant well did not mean for me to totally stop. They wanted me to “develop the discipline” and learn how to write for an hour or two every day instead of in nine-ten-fifteen hour increments. I tried, but could not do it, not in fiction anyway. In the first hour, the thoughts are just finding their shape. In the second, the characters begin to speak to me. There is hardly time for an introduction by the time the metaphorical buzzer goes off.
Anna, though, was not a fictional character. A fair portion of her story was already known; her character was already somewhat familiar through her public career.
I fought the dread. I sat down, waiting for the images to bring inspiration. Instead, the slide show changed. Instead of just Anna, it became Anna and Howard. Him, taking care of her. Him, fending off unwanted relatives and professional manipulators. . .him, within hours of Anna’s passing, being villified by a ravenous press.
I’m sure I imagined this, but when my mind fell upon the image of a sleep-deprived but joyous Howard leaning over Anna’s hospital bed, I thought I heard a voice. “That’s the one,” my stranger of a muse said. “That’s my Howard.”
My fingers touched the keyboard.
They shouldn’t have.
(. . .to be continued).
(. . .to be continued)
And I can hardly wait…
I am on the edge of my seat just waiting…..
oh gosh……i am sitting here waiting now bitting my nails…..
Blown away…. Jane….wow…… oh my gosh…
truly, undoubtedly , undeniably thought provoking
piece of article. Thank You and please keep them coming. It is so easy to follow along. Splendid. Jane you are the best.
Jane I beg to differ….
“My fingers touched the keyboard.
They shouldn’t have.”
Your write from the heart & we’ve all been blessed with your writings of Anna & Howard.
Hmmm…, you wouldn’t by any chance be planning to fade your site to black and leave us all wondering what was to come? That seems to be an ending that’s gaining in popularity.
Keep it coming Jane! I’m in great suspense.
E pluribus Unum said, “Keep it coming Jane! I’m in great suspense.”
I say, “Bring it on Jane.”
You are an American beauty, an original, someone bold and beautiful…and I want to hear ‘you’ and ‘your side’ of ‘This Story!’
Serve us well, dear Jane.
Love,
Freida
(I’m really holding back tonight, and I know I’ve been a pest! So, I’ll go read Art Harris’ commenters….that I hope will take me a good long while.)
Jane you are so gifted you have just the right words for every occasion. This should be interesting.
I love your new look for the site, and it changes all the time. Thanks.
Dear Jane,
You started writing about Anna, before I started writing about…to defend Howard….that seems, profoundly meaningful, to me.
Jane,
What can I say that many others before haven’t said? Really nothing new comes to mind. You are a very unique individual and on so many levels we can all relate to what you write.
We were drawn to your site and QV’s with a fire inside of us that needed to either be put out or excelerated so we could find answers to so many questions.
I think Anna had been a victim all of her life. If we paid attention to her in the interview she gave after Daniel’s death it was quite obvious. It did not take any type of doctrate degree to see the turmoil raging in her face, especially her eyes.
I can’t pretend to know anymore than the next person about Anna and her real life but what I do know is that she has touched many lives and brought out feelings in some, which they had kept hidden. Therefore I believe her life as well as her death has helped heal many souls. People who would have never had the courage to openly talk about their inner demons found the strength to do just that. I have met many through you and through QV and they have enriched my life. There is a healing process going on right now, a type of peace entering into our souls which we can attribute to Anna.
If we had ever met, I know I would have throughly enjoyed her company. She had a natural sparkle about her which is amazing considering her tumultuous childhood. And she wasn’t afraid to smile!
And just a side note on Howard. I admire him for being the kind of person he is. What a true gentleman! Anna was fortunate to have him in her life.
.
Jane
Your talent for writing and the ability to touch people hearts and souls is really amazing. You should compile all of the pieces you wrote about Anna and send them to someone, anyone. You have a gift, run with it.
To be continued? Oh please continue…I’m an impatient person! I thank you for allowing your fingers to touch the keyboard, as they should.
Perhaps none of us will ever know the real Anna and Howard. Perhaps it’s just our creative imagination that has allowed us to feel their love, their pain, their suffering. I think that it’s more than our imagination – maybe it’s our personal need and desire to feel as though we know them. Perhaps we see ourselves in them, or a small glimpse of what we would like to see.
Those around me have an opinion of who they think the real me is. Their perceived “truth” becomes the way they treat me. Their perception forms their part of the reality of our relationship. We tend to define others through our own eyes and values. Like beauty, honesty, or integrity, we judge people on our personal values.
I judge myself by my intentions. We judge others judge by their actions.
wow jane you are such an awsome writer. can’t wait to read whats next.
Jane,
Once again, you’ve done it. Bring on the rest because we’re all waiting. You’re awesome.
Jane,
Seeing as I’m one of the few people who know you in real life (well at least a little) and also here on your board, I want to say that i know, for fact, how much personal integrity and compassion you really have. You passed that (and a lot of smarts, too!) onto your daughter. She’s an amazing young lady. I can’t believe she’s done so much at only 25. Like mother, like daughter! I look forward to what the future holds on your website, and am hopeful you’ll publish more of your poetry and short stories.
Logical,
I loved your post. “Those around me have an opinion of who they think the real me is. Their perceived “truth” becomes the way they treat me. Their perception forms their part of the reality of our relationship.” This is so profoundly true. It’s like the perceptions that Jane and others were talking about in the last article, and how they become the reality despite the actual truth. What your talking about, the treatment, that’s the reality that’s often based on untruths or ignorance.
Jane:
I am so glad that your fingers touched the keyboard that day. You are a terrific and talented writer and it would be a disservice to yourself as well as to your many readers if you had stifled that urge.
You are as much a part of my morning routine as rolling over and greeting my two doggies (my kids). I was been checking regularly since QV said that your post would be delayed due to some personal business.
I know that both you and QV have been terribly hurt. If I was in your place I would feel the same way. It is not my place to tell you how to feel, but since you know some of my background, I will tell you how I try and deal with hurt and unimaginable betrayal.
After the initial hurt and extreme rage wears off, I try and look at the whole picture and see it as a learning experience and hopefully will learn and grown from it and not make the same mistake again. Sometimes it is really tough to do but I am of the belief that every experience in life, whether it be good or bad, moulds you into the person you are. Hopefully it is a better person (at least that’s my goal). Since you personally know some of my back history you know where I am coming from.
As far as I’m concerned I try not to judge others but take them at face value until proven differently. I would certainly hope and expect the same from others. No one knows the real “you” unless you have walked a mile in their shoes and even then, everyone reacts differently to the same set of circumstances based on his/her own life experiences.
As you know, I was not originally an Anna fan. I had seen her on Larry King Live several times and knew vaguely of her court actions and that she was pregnant. It wasn’t until the rumblings of the paternity suit and her move to the Bahamas that I started to pay a bit more attention although not much. When I learned of the birth of Dannielynn and the subsequent death of Daniel, I was reeled in. It was unfathonable to me the amount of anguish that she and Howard were going through. Then the press started and I was sickened by what they were doing not only to Anna but especially to Howard.
I watched in disbelief as the mainstream media began a feeding frenzy based on rumor, half truths and innuendo. It all became very sordid and the mainstream media at times were worse than any tabloid could dream of being. I hated the way people were popping out of the woodwork looking for their fifteen minutes of fame or to make a quick buck. I was outraged and was constantly arguing with the TV, unsuccessfully I might add, until I just stopped watching and started reading transcripts. I wrote email after email to Nancy Grace, Greta, etc expressing my disgust. I still want to know when Harvey Levin of TMZ and David Caplan, formerly of Star magazine and now at VH!, became reliable sources.
Thankfully before I could blow a gasket I discovered your site as well as QV’s and I found two safe havens in the midst of complete rubbish. I rediscovered Art Harris, who I had been a fan of when he had worked for CNN. Finally, I started to hear some truth!
I don’t know what was the clicking point with me for Anna, whether it was her determination, sheer stubbornness, or that she was so misunderstood. The only thing that I knew was that she loved Daniel more than life itself, had raised him on her own and was so proud of him. After Anna passed away, my personal feeling was this was a tragedy of great proportions to all those involved no matter which way you looked at it. Two lives were cut short without them being able to realize their full potential, a baby had lost her mother, brother and only father she had ever known. I don’t know if I would have had the personal strength to survive.
You have written many articles on this topic and have raised many thought provoking and sometimes painful questions. I usually have to read and reread each article many times and let it gel before I post. You have made me look at things from many perspectives which is something a good writer does.
Jane, I thank you for the bottom of my heart for all you have given us and I eagerly await the rest of your article. Once you have completed your ANS/HKS series, I am very eager to see what you have in store for us next.
I know that I will be first in line to read.
All the best
Margie
Jane:
I just love the match stick picture and the title “You Just Have to be Different, Don’t You?
That is a phrase I have heard my entire life from my mother. Oh how I wish I could hear it just one more time!
I’m with Logical - I’m getting impatient too. Please hurry with the rest of the article, purty please.
My mothers daughter:
Always love reading your comments.
You said that Jane and QV had been hurt. I know it must be common knowleged and something concerning the Anna case but I can’t figure out who hurt them and why. Don’t want to appear nosey but I am concerned and wish you would fill me in and help me understand who could hurt them - especally as loyal, loving, sweet and kind as Jane and QV are as well as most everyone who post here are on this subject.
Jane,
“My fingers touched the keyboard.
They shouldn’t have.”
That’s what you said. However, my dear, if your fingers had not ‘touched’ that keypad, you would not have ‘touched’ me as you have.
I got a little carried away, didn’t I, defending Howard?
When I was really defending my mother, my America, and my freedom.
And, I knew in my heart of hearts, my own prejudice, my snap judgement…just had to be wrong.
Anyway, my dear Jane, I think you should have touched those keys, and I hope you continue to touch them, and me.
This has been a wonderful journey.
Love,
Freida
hey lemay, aren’t you camping??? Jane we love you. screw the idoits. onward.