Published by Jane Devin on 09 Feb 2008 at 04:08 am
The Sky is Falling. Therefore it Must Be.
The other day, not for the first time, someone totally surprised me. It’s not unusual for me to be caught off guard or taken aback – I am almost perpetually naive in some ways, especially when it comes to matters of friendship. I always think that friends are forever, even if you don’t see them often, or years pass without a word, which is often the case with me because I’m really lousy at doing the things necessary to maintain long-distance relationships, including sending cards and making phone calls. And I tend to lose track of time. Six years can feel like six months to me.
Still, I view all the friends I’ve made, past and present, with affection. They’re all important to me, even if we’ve disconnected somewhere along the line. I would never think of summarily discarding a friend because she said something I didn’t like or held different views than me.
So I was surprised when someone called me the other night to pronounce their harsh judgment on a mutual friend of ours – someone they’ve known only for a few months, but whom I’ve known intimately for over eight years. Nothing I said would dissuade this person from their wrong-minded opinion, and they were more interested in nurturing their poor opinion than in speaking directly to the source of their angst.
It’s sad to me that we live in a throwaway society where people, like everything else, are viewed as a thoroughly disposable commodity — that some find it easier to toss a person aside than to give them the benefit of the doubt.
It’s just not a logical world, and fewer and fewer people seem adept at the art of asking the right questions. If they asked the right questions, the ones that would give them the information they really seek – if they weren’t too skeptical, stubborn, or afraid to ask – they wouldn’t have to lean so heavily on their internal script-writing skills. Instead of connecting the dots with scraps of their own guesswork, they might know the actual facts. They might then have a more informed opinion of another, and know them in a genuine sense, rather than by way of some flawed proxy.
Judgments are ready-made and quicker than asking questions, but much like that often-heralded thing called intuition, they’re often wrong. The highest trait of either judgment or intuition is expedience. “I’ve judged you, therefore you are what I’ve judged you to be.” “My intuition tells me to despise you, therefore there must be a reason.” More often than not, there is no good reason, but under this handy umbrella, people absolve themselves of any responsibility for learning the facts, and quickly cut other people down or out on what amounts to a whim.
I know we’re always learning but really, I’m tired of lessons like this.
After almost thirty years of writing about the human condition, I often feel like a walking textbook on human debris and dysfunctions. There’s probably not one subject in the dystopia of human nature that I haven’t experienced, studied, or at least touched upon – which isn’t to say I have good answers, because I don’t. There really are no satisfactory answers for some things – like child abuse and murder – and the answers for other, lesser, things are often crouched in some human mystique made up of habits, fears, superstitions, guesses, and perceptions that elude sensibility.
In a culture dominated by cynicism and snap judgments, it’s hard to hang onto the innocence that allows new friendships to happen. When the questions asked are wrong, there can never be any good, right, or informative answers.
“What’s in it for me?” she asked.
“I don’t know. A friendship?”
“I feel the way I feel. Nothing’s going to change that.”
“That’s too bad, because your feelings really don’t match the reality.”
“But they’re my feelings, and I’m entitled to them.”
“Did you even ask her —-.”
“I don’t have to ask. I just know. . .”
Knowing without knowing, causing feelings that have no basis in reason. . .the sky is falling, therefore it must be.
Linda L. on 09 Feb 2008 at 7:13 am #
I’ve said many times that the only thing that surprises me is that nothing surprises me. Not that I’m a cynic or anything like that, but, simply, that there is no accounting for the “quirks” of human nature. I, like you, believe that true friends are indeed “forever friends” and happily those I consider friends share that feeling. Friendship spans not only time and distance, but differences of opinion as well. Obviously the woman who asked “What’s in it for me ?” does not share those feelings. If she did, even though she may have called you to vent, (we all need that sometimes), her primary concern would have been “how can we fix it”, and she would have known that the reward for friendship is the friendship.
Rebecca F. on 09 Feb 2008 at 10:43 pm #
The throwaway society is so right on Jane, and I know exactly what you’re talking about! It happened to me at work. Last year, this lady I worked with for two years (now three), and was friendly with…even to the point of going to each other’s houses a few times… blew up at me because she was having a bad day. It was totally out of the blue and uncalled for, but I didn’t call her on it then because I figured well, she was having a bad day, she’d realize that later, and apologize.
Not only did she not apologize, but she has hated me ever since. She will not talk to me at all. Because why? I told her I was sorry she was having a bad day! That’s IT. That’s all I said before she blew up at me and told me to leave her alone. Well, ooookkkaaayyy.
Luckily, we don’t work in close proximity, but it’s still uncomfortable. Other people ask me what “D”’s problem is with me, and I have no answer. She doesn’t either. And it’s just so weird, because like I said we’ve been to each other’s houses, and had a history of being friendly.
One apology, one explanation even, and we could have stayed friends. Instead, she chooses silent hatred for no good reason at all.
My only comfort in this is that other people witnessed the exchange, so they all know what happened, and find it equally ridiculous. I still find the whole thing frustrating though, and since she refuses to speak, there are no right questions to ask. I’m pretty sure there’s no right answers either.
Whew, long vent! Good article, Jane!
rose on 10 Feb 2008 at 1:17 am #
one day i want you to write something i don’t agree with, just so i have something more to say!! good thoughts here, jane, i love your thoughts.
LBJ on 10 Feb 2008 at 9:22 am #
Linda, my friendships are also like that. I still have my friends from HS, there’s four of us who are still best friends, and over the years we’ve had our fights and disagreements, and have called each other to vent, but in the end it always goes back to “how do we fix this” because our friendships are valuable. Like Rebecca though, I know that there are people who don’t care, because I’ve watched very similar things happen at my work. Instead of people talking out their issues (and most of us are counselors for Pete’s sake!) they take a passive aggressive approach. It’s ridiculous.
Thanks for another good read, Jane!
freida on 10 Feb 2008 at 9:50 am #
Most people didn’t want to be my friend in school.
I wore the same dirty clothes everyday.
I sat on the bench when others got to play.
Most of my teachers liked me, though.
Oh, and there were a few boys.
I was such a nerd.
And, I was so shy, and I was too, embarrassed to invite anyone to my home.
I have one good friend left from Jr. High, which they now call Middle School.
She’s a little red head, and her name is Margie.
A.P. on 10 Feb 2008 at 10:31 am #
Great article, as usual, Jane!
Love,
AP
dee on 10 Feb 2008 at 1:53 pm #
Another great point Jane. I do love coming here, you are able to put my thoughts and feelings into words.
I find the older I get the more selective I become. I do care about people…. but I just don’t have the energy anymore to keep up with everyone’s luggage. I am there if you need me, but ‘you’ better make sure your want me there, otherwise, I have to move on.
I was once told if you go through life with one good friend consider yourself lucky. I always thought that was sad. Now that I am older I can see how people grow apart.
I am proud to say I consider myself a very lucky and wealthy woman when it comes to friendships.
my 2 cents.
Karissa on 10 Feb 2008 at 5:13 pm #
Hi Jane,
I liked this article. Great job. We’ve talked about this very subject in the past.
~K~
Barbara on 11 Feb 2008 at 6:54 pm #
Jane, you actually did well this go round on the card thing! All, I got my Hannukah/Christmas card just last week!!! LOL. That’s good for Jane!