It’s kind of erotic and freeing, this revolution.
June 1st, 2008
On my 46th birthday this year, something significant shifted in my thinking, and I decided it was just time to let the gears click without interference or excuses. I’m sure unhappiness had a lot to do with wanting to change. I am not naturally an unhappy person. When I’m on my own island, I’m usually full of good cheer and optimism. Unfortunately, that island doesn’t exist in any long-term reality, and there’s no such thing as invite-only here on the everyday mainland. Which means, by virtue of living, I get George W. Bush, other criminals, delusional people, mean people, and corporate slugs sharing my territory.
I get, and you get, terrible news on a daily basis. And, like me, you probably work with some people you’d rather never see. Like the guy who laughs like a hyena and looks like a molester who hasn’t bathed in a few months. Or the passive-aggressive guy who’s always stealing your stapler and who manages to find a way to interject the word “panties” into every conversation he has with a female. Life is full of annoyances, and at the top of that list — way above deer ticks, decaffeinated coffee, and short paychecks — is people. Not you and me, of course, but them. The ones that are the living embodiment of the scratch on the blackboard or the buzzing fly.
But I digress. Bad news and annoying people do cause unhappiness, but in the best possible life, we eventually rise above the circumstances. We come home, walk our dogs, burn our candles and incense, take a hot bath, write something in our journals, and find our happy place again.
I wasn’t finding my happy place, and hadn’t for way too long. I was still walking the dog, lighting up some patchouli, and writing scathing, cathartic things, but the reservoir was too full of unhappy people and events, and there didn’t seem to be a way to drain the reservoir any faster so that I could fill it up with better, happier stuff.
On my birthday, I decided to abandon that particular reservoir altogether and build a new one. It sounds weird in retrospect, but I didn’t even consider that as an option before. I didn’t consider that I could simply ignore so many of the things that set my teeth on edge. At 46, this bit of wisdom set in — I don’t have to talk to the panty guy. I don’t have to read the newspaper every single day, especially since I can get all the same news every Sunday, or whatever day I choose. I don’t have to think about what someone else thinks of me.
All I really have to do is live. And to value my own life enough to work towards the most loving, healthy, ethical, and well-intentioned life I’m capable of creating.
In the year leading up to my birthday, health books just seemed to fall into my lap. Exitotoxins: The Taste that Kills, a book about food additives. A stunning expose on genetically engineered foods called Seeds of Deception. There was also Diet for a Poisoned Planet, on how to find safe foods. I read them all while still eating take-out and Oreo cookies. I read them, I understood them, but somehow I didn’t take the lessons personally until March 30th, when I decided I really could abandon much of what made me unhappy.
I threw away, that day, every bit of food in my house. There was nothing healthy in my cupboards or in my refrigerator. Really, not even one vegetable or piece of fruit. There was nothing in my kitchen, I’m now somewhat ashamed to say, that I would have wanted to feed somebody I loved. Isn’t that awful? I was subsisting on a diet of convenient snacks, Top Ramen noodles, and reheated leftovers from restaurants.
I started shopping again, and found myself somewhat at a loss when it came to real food, meaning I wasn’t quite sure what to do with it. I knew how to cook pot roast and casseroles. I knew how to souffle potatoes and bake a cake. I cooked a lot when raising children, but once they left I retired my pots and pans. I didn’t know anything about cooking healthy foods, and it felt strange to cook for one, so for the first couple of weeks, I essentially ate a raw diet — a revised version of my snacking habit — that got very old very quickly.
When I couldn’t take one more celery stalk with organic peanut butter, I whipped out the whole foods cookbooks I received for my birthday, and I have to tell you — cooking for one can be an uplifting, life-affirming experience. And food, my friends, good food, can really be quite erotic.
Shrimp with lite coconut milk and red curry. Greek salads with Kalamati olives and capers. Organic chicken with rosemary and lemon. Sweet potatoes. Warm cinnamon quinoa with walnuts. Wild rice stuffed peppers. Black bean soup. Grilled vegetable tostadas. Whole grain apple waffles. Fresh Halibut with Mango-Serrano Pico.
Twinkies and take-out just can’t compete anymore. Eating at my desk is no longer the nightly ritual, but the exception. I set myself a beautiful place at the table, light a candle, and take twenty minutes out of my day to actually appreciate the meals I make.
And I feel? A million times better. Stronger, more resilient, better able to handle stress, and much more energetic. Energetic enough to work, exercise for an hour every day, walk the dogs to the lake that’s two miles away — and still have energy to spare.
Have I lost a ton of weight? No, not yet, but my pants do seem to be getting a little longer. I’ve lost seventeen pounds altogether, and that came off rather quickly. I’ve been at a plateau for two weeks, but I’m not *that* discouraged. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t hoped for more, but I’m not going to be undone by the numbers.
Instead, I’ll just continue to enjoy the journey.
10 Responses to “It’s kind of erotic and freeing, this revolution.”
Donna Faber June 2nd, 2008 at 11:32 am #
Wow! Congratulations on your 17 pound loss! Every single pound gone is taking you one step closer to your new happy place, I think, because of what it represents in terms of making the right personal choices each time you need to, even when you don’t want to. You inspire me, Jane, and I have been waiting for the update on your revolution. Why? Because I’m about to make that same commitment to myself, and I need all the help I can get. Over the last few years, primarily due to stress and inner change, I’ve really let my cat out of the bag, as they say, and indulged myself in so many ways. When I came face to face with that choice, I was staggered by the sense of entitlement that firmly rooted itself in my brain. That dellusion that I think I got stuck with genetically or something, because SHOOT I certainly didn’t choose to put it there …. er, did I? Well, that and the fact that I have a very rich, very fattening, emotional relationship with food.
Anyhow … this Wednesday I’m going into NYC to see my spiritual mother, who is on tour. I’m asking her to bless my efforts to make my body a fit temple for the Goddess … my way of getting around to this. I’m asking for her blessing on exercise, meditation, good food choices, and better self-discipline.
Then, my own personal revolution is on.
It’s time.
Thanks for the inspiration, hm?
D~
Jake Surette June 2nd, 2008 at 2:32 pm #
it’s a NEW catharsis, isn’t it?
i count my lucky stars daily for the commitment that my life partner has in terms of eating healthy. It has, for the most part, rubbed off on me.
it wasn’t long ago (maybe eight years) that he would ring out how people of a certain weight should not wear colors of fruit. lo! and behold! we found photos of us- three years into our relationship (around the same time)- with him in the brightest of fruit colors. head to toe. tangerine. sea foam blue. coral (okay. i know the last two are not fruit but you get my meaning). and him as a person of a certain weight. he proclaimed: “i was nasty.” he meant of what he said- not of how he looked.
i, too, digress.
the fact of the matter is this: if i didn’t have this training- this Whole Foods idea of eating and living- i would be living on delicious fries, yummy burgers, lays potato chips and stacks of french bread.
don’t get me wrong! i, still, will eat the comfort food. i think that it is a treat and it is sometimes needed. but balance, sugar. [pun intended.]
cut to mon ami. we’ll call her Muffin (’cause that’s what we call each other). She refuses to have any treats in her house and, post-work out, she can often land on my doorstep for a visit (the gym is across the street) and manage to mow down all lays, cheese and bacon, if it’s available (she is officially a “Vegan”).
My point is- and I do have one- this: GO GIRL! for having the dedication to yourself; to sit with YOU for at least 20 minutes at a table with good food and you.
I am a huge fan of whole foods. And- if you are ever at a loss for what prepare- the lovely hippies AT Wholefoods are more than happy to help you out with prep.
I’m with you too. I’m at a steady 16 lb. weight loss (for two months- stable). Although I need to lose about ten more, I am happy that I am not “there” anymore. It scared the shit out of me. I saw visions of my uber unhealthy father.
Balance again. I hate to say it (because I HATE the thought of it): exercise. It sucks. For me, at least. But I have found things that I like to do. [hip hop dancing and hacky sack. I'm 38 and I haven't played hacky sack since I was 22. It's really fun. And it amuses straight boys that a gay boy can be so good. Oh, stigma! But I use it- I'm not going to lie!]
Activities that you LIKE to do are imperative. Because exercise for the sake of it leads to resentment (ahem!- Oprah) and no one wants that.
[Sorry for the blog-style comment in your comment section. I figure I owed you one!]
linda woods June 2nd, 2008 at 2:49 pm #
I don’t see any organic chocolate in your cupboard but I do see organic peanut butter. You can’t have one without the other!
Ann Parker June 2nd, 2008 at 8:08 pm #
Good for you Jane. We ARE what we eat. I changed my eating habits a few months ago and have lost 13 pounds. Now about that panty talking creep. He is a voyeur. By ignoring him you are tolerating his inappropreate behavior. If you get offended , that’s what he wants. If you work with him tell him if he says that around you again you are goingt to file a sexual harrassment complaint against him. Always confront the bully Jane. All bullies are cowards.
LBJ June 2nd, 2008 at 9:03 pm #
Enjoy it, live it, and keep letting us know.
Very inspirational, Jane, and once again you make me feel motivated. Thank you.
I couldn’t comment on your Flickr photos because I’m not a member, but you’ve got a great looking family, including the four legged members!
Barbara June 3rd, 2008 at 6:53 am #
WHOO-HOO!!!! I am ready for my dinner invitation!
John R June 3rd, 2008 at 10:10 am #
Jane … I can soooooo relate to the battle of the bulge. 15 pounds down on this end … I’m surprised I haven’t seen you around the plateau … been camped out here for a couple of weeks. A wise friend reminds me : when you make a change of body/mind/spirit … the physical level is always the last to change. With this in mind, I continue … onward and downward!
allison June 3rd, 2008 at 10:40 am #
Hi Jane!
I actually had a moment today to read your wonderful article, and so happy for you and you your new life!
This healthy journey will change your life in so many ways. All for the good.
Bon’ Appetit! (Spell)?
Miss you and everyone here, hope you are all doing great.
allison
Neil June 3rd, 2008 at 12:47 pm #
Even if you never lost a single pound from the changed, it would still be worthwhile because you are taking the time to treat yourself special.
rose June 3rd, 2008 at 7:31 pm #
rooting for you from my corner of the world!