If Verne Troyer Can Get Laid. . .

by Jane Devin on 07/01/2008

I was going to make this my new response to every friend who complains to me about their lackluster sex life. I was going to keep it as a mantra in my head since as you all know, given that I’ve spilled my aching guts here more than once, my own sex life is nothing to wax erotic over.

It’s too easy, though, to think the way a normal person thinks. To call upon the romantic ideals of the middle-class and see love and lust behind every thrust and moan. Sometimes a gyration is just a gyration, and a tongue is just a tongue. Sometimes people, including some pretty nice looking ones, put out for reasons that have nothing to do with the laws of attraction.

Fame, even one grainy speck of it, seems to act as an aphrodisiac. Somehow sleeping with a hairy, three-eyed hunchback is less repulsive if that hunchback has appeared in the National Enquirer, drunkenly pissed in a corner, or otherwise flaunted their fucked-upness in front of millions of people.

Others may ponder the perversity of humping a freakish celebrity little person and making a sex tape of the debacle, but I can’t help but see a broader, more positive issue here for us middle-class mensches.

I mean, c’mon people! If Verne Troyer can get laid. . .

Doesn’t this negate the whole meaning of impossible? Doesn’t it just turn the hollow thud of pipe dreams into a virtual waterslide of hope?

Maybe there really can be world peace. . .
Maybe there really will be a Democratic dream ticket.
Maybe Starbucks will bring back the Coconut Mocha Frappacino just for Tod,
and my friend Neil will live happily ever after with Sophia.

Maybe I really can make that paycheck stretch into next month. Maybe Trader Joe’s will open in my neighborhood. Hell, while I’m dreaming large. . .

Maybe there really will be a Mac Powerbook in my future. A small house by the beach, and a puppy that doesn’t hump his fleece toys at every opportunity. Maybe time will stop for about a year and let me finish at least 40 of the things I’ve started. Maybe I’ll learn the difference between sincerity and placation. Maybe chocolate really can be part of a balanced diet, and that cute girl at the bookstore won’t end up being an ex-cult member, reptile collector, or straight Republican!

And we don’t even have to be famous to realize our dreams! No, because in our little perverse world, there was no rational reason Verne Troyer got laid. If Vern were a leprechaun sitting on a pot of gold and boxes of Godiva, pulling a steady stream of pearls and diamonds out of his little ass, chances are 1001% that he would not get laid. The fact that he did only proves that the world makes no sense. And in a senseless world, no dream – no matter how unattainable our rational minds once thought they were – is off limits.

We, the everyday people, can skip fame, and all the paranoia and suspicion that goes with it. We’ll never have to worry, even at the heights of our dubious successes, if we are some vapid, attention-starved woman’s Verne Troyer. We’ll never have to feel dumb for mistaking that hand in our pocket for a romantic gesture. Best of all, we won’t have to suffer the humiliation of seeing our hard-wrought, sweating sex tapes in the dollar bin, where they’ll be sought after only by poverty stricken perverts and those looking for a gag gift.

Instead, when hope fails us and our dreams seem far away — when we’re reaching for the stars and ending up with palms full of pigeon shit — we only have to remember that Verne Troyer, drunken little person and sleepwalking pisser, got laid.

Now really, don’t your own dreams suddenly feel a little more obtainable?


1 Neil July 1, 2008 at 9:53 pm

This is why in surveys, college students choose “being on TV for an hour” rather than “winning a million dollars. “

2 Donna L. Faber July 1, 2008 at 10:20 pm

Vern Troyer?


3 Paige July 1, 2008 at 10:26 pm

I can’t begin to tell you how many times I have pondered that question: “If (fill in the blank) can get laid, why can’t I?”

When I used to go to the state fair I would see the weirdest, strangest, creepiest looking people (some with missing teeth) and they were all partnered up! Time and time again I’d ask myself, what is wrong with me then?

So, you can only imagine how I feel knowing an ugly, bald Mini Me is getting some and I’m not? Maybe my standards are too high, maybe if I went after every 2’8″ dwarf that passed my way (!) I’d be sexually satisfied, but until then I will continue asking the question, “If (fill in the blank) can get laid, why can’t I?”

4 Doris Rose MacBean July 2, 2008 at 9:50 am

Hell, I can’t even get my *short* phone calls returned…

5 V-Grrrl July 2, 2008 at 12:31 pm

Gives whole new meaning to the word “gag gift.” (She grips her stomach.)

6 kris July 2, 2008 at 12:47 pm

when i’m feeling a little down or i’m holding those pesky little notions i’m not thin/young/attractive enough, i visit this utopia…..and suddenly i feel much better.


7 girliefriend July 2, 2008 at 12:52 pm

WoW! A little judgmental eh? I’m glad you see yourselves as so superior than others. Vern Troyer is a human being and while he may not be your choice or mine, does that mean he doesn’t deserve the same respect that you do?

Jane, although I’m normally a fan, the tenor of this post really disappointed me. :(

8 Alison July 2, 2008 at 1:40 pm

Yes, it’s true that from Vern Troyer’s perspective we can share the sunny optimism that even he can get laid by a model. Then again the flip side of that coin could be her waking up the next morning and cringing at this thought. “Oh God, I can’t believe I actually f***ked Vern Troyer last night– and is that a f/g camera!!??”

9 Paige July 2, 2008 at 2:13 pm

I think — and I hope I’m not putting words into Jane’s mouth — the post was more about celebrity and what it does to people. Do you actually think that Donald Trump, with his pompous personality, would be dating model after model if he didn’t have mega wads of money? Do you think Flavor Flav would have scads of women signing up to date him if he weren’t on TV or in a band? Would Keith Richards have girls throwing themselves at him if he weren’t in the Rolling Stones? I think not.

People are enamored with anything that will give them their 15-minutes of fame, whether that means selling your soul to the devil to be on a cheap reality show or filming a sex romp with a famous little person. Personally, I think that says more about the person doing the dating/fucking/filming than it does about the celebrity.

10 Donna L. Faber July 2, 2008 at 2:29 pm

I thought the post was tongue-in-cheek, you know, for a reason.

11 dolores July 2, 2008 at 2:44 pm

Come on “girliefriend”….breathe…..
Jane you are priceless….i’m having a hard time typing since i’m still LOL….AND i’m at work!
love you,

12 Karen Dinino July 2, 2008 at 3:27 pm

“poverty stricken perverts” –I love that! But, I respectfully must suggest that frugal freaks and value-conscious voyeurs may also seek such gems, regardless of socio-economic status.

13 Patty G. July 2, 2008 at 3:33 pm

I can see a new stream of t-shirts out there ….

“If Vern Troyer can get laid, why can’t I” !!!

Any buyers?

14 Jane Devin July 2, 2008 at 3:34 pm

Girliefriend — first, welcome to the site. Always glad to have a different perspective, but I do think you missed the sticking points, which were that he’s appeared on a reality show, where he was drunk all the time, hostile, freakish, and pissed in corners. That he does this while 3 feet tall is only a side attraction. Appreciate the PC school, too, but c’mon — lighten up!

Paige is right, and in fact my first draft of this included well-laid icons Donald Trump, Danny Bonaduce, Gary Coleman & others. So far though, none of these fine specimens have a sex tape out.

A sex tape. With a model.

It still cracks me up. :-)

15 Patty G. July 2, 2008 at 3:39 pm

I was curious as to what this woman looked like and this is what I found …


16 Tammy July 2, 2008 at 5:57 pm

Well…I think it’s funny.

17 LBJ July 2, 2008 at 6:37 pm

Alison’s back!! Yeah!!! I was wondering where you’d got off to!

Jane, this was the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. Talk about the spin zone! Yes, yes, I definitely now see a custom 1966 Mustang and an Angelina Jolie in my future! LOL!

18 Mish July 2, 2008 at 7:54 pm

Hi Jane !!
Long time…..I got an email to check out what you have been up to.
Glad you are doing great! Theres a skip in your step :)

19 kris July 2, 2008 at 9:04 pm

yeah, i thought “the humiliation of seeing our hard-wrought, sweating sex tapes in the dollar bin” was a particularly brilliant string of words….

and i’m with ya Jane…i don’t care how BIG mr troyer is. he is not worthy of respect by any of my current standards. um, and i sorta have them set rather low [3 ft high and rising]

LAUGHTER…it’s a great release, i tell ya. it’s right up there with…well, ya know.

20 girliefriend July 2, 2008 at 10:50 pm

Well, I still think using anyone else as a negative measure is inappropriate, joke or no joke. JMO

Okay, I have to interrupt, because really? We should never talk about anyone else in the negative? It’s inappropriate to talk about the perversities, crimes, misdeeds, and deceptions of others because it would be using them as a negative measure? Sorry, but no, I totally disagree. What’s more, I’m not ashamed to say I’m judgmental, and use that judgment. If on the yardstick of human behavior, someone else acts disgusting or with ill-intent, I don’t feel an obligation to place myself on the same line, or obligated to treat them with pure objectivity — I am not a purely objective being, and I have standards. Some, anyway! As for the rest. . .I’ll agree with your last line! – Jane

On this, I will just agree to disagree.

/return to lurkerdom

21 LBJ July 2, 2008 at 11:02 pm

Jeez, some people just like to suck the fun out of anything, don’t they? LOL.

I’m still laughing, I still think it’s funny.

Well, LBJ, not everyone shares a quirky sense of humor. Not even about Donald Trump, whom I happen to think makes great comedic material. If one of his sex tapes ever hits the black market, I am so going to write about it! – Jane

22 Lonnie July 2, 2008 at 11:40 pm

Alright! This totally puts things into perspective for me! I am deleting the word “impossible” from my vocabulary. From now on, all the grass in my world will be green, all the sky will be a perfect shade of blue, and come hell or high water, I will get that boat I want!

23 kris July 2, 2008 at 11:59 pm

yeeeah….what she said!

24 Karen Dinino July 3, 2008 at 1:57 am

Jane, Jane: now here is a fine topic for you! Have we, as a nation, lost our respectability yardstick? Do too many people believe that it is just inappropriate to use another person as a negative measure? Have too many people still sought O.J.’s autograph, or refused to ‘judge’ murderers? Is something NOT OK in this “everyone is OK” philosophy? In this sugary attempt to be very, very good, are we becoming really bad?
I dunno. Just wondering. And trying to avoid doing my own work.

25 Alison July 3, 2008 at 9:39 am

Hi LBJ, What better topic than Vern Troyer’s sex tape to lure a commenter back from a hiatus? OK, so we’re not perfect human beings. So shoot us.
On a personal note, you are obviously an inherently strong person just to have the job you do. I’m glad to see that strength has you bouncing back from your recent loss. Belated condolences.

26 Julia July 3, 2008 at 12:24 pm

Patty G. I’ll take one of those t-shirts please. LOL

Jane…. reading this post reset my grouchy morning! I love humor that is sprinkled with so much truth. :)


27 Jack July 3, 2008 at 4:56 pm

Good old Verne. Everyone needs someone.

28 Pirate Queen July 4, 2008 at 12:51 pm

An aspect of Jane’s observations that slams me right upside the head, with more than a Homeresque “Doh” resulting, is how ‘Norm-alized’ such prurient and scatological behavior that Norm is renowned for passes for acceptable in society these days. If that is the determinant for choice=fame=power=desirablility=getting laid, then I will stay right where I am in this life/world/existence and play with my adult toys and use my toilet in the ways they were intended. And I’ll LIKE it, ’cause I do.

Norm’s choices in BEHAVIOR is what is repulsive, and Jane merely holds up a mirror to the sewage that passes as entertainment and its minions to make sure there’s still good, tasteful, desirable and desiring HUMANS out here in the land of Has-Everybody-But-Me-Lost-Their-Mind?

Jane, thank you for triggering the guffaws. And validating our hold on hope for those of us who just won’t play in the sewers along with the ‘others’.

29 Pirate Queen July 4, 2008 at 1:03 pm

Woops! Now why did I call Vern Norm? I must’ve been more rattled by this post than I realized. Please forgive me.

30 Kate McLaughlin July 11, 2008 at 11:21 am

Reading this post and resulting responses felt like a cocktail party…a damn good one.
I like the company, lively conversation, thinking minds, differing opinions and laughs.
Again, Jane, you subdued my mood and turned my morning around.

31 Joyce in Mass. July 15, 2008 at 9:48 am

For those who see disgusting and depraved behavior as the way to the “top”, and for those who feel the need to defend them as underdogs, you push the limits of humanity in opposite directions, neither of them good.
How’s that for a run on sentence?

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: