I hesitated to leave my house today. I had hit my stride in cleaning and organizing, and every newly packed box was getting me more excited about my upcoming writing trip. I already have a list of thirty people to meet in 11 states, and more story tips, ideas, and offers are coming in daily. Still — and this will come as no surprise to my regular readers — I was out of AA batteries (again), I needed light bulbs (again), and I really really needed a latte (what’s new?).
So I headed out the door, wearing my baggy USC sweats and I Love Lucy housecleaning scarf, and still singing along to Beth Hart’s Soul Shine. I looked, I’m sure, like a slightly deranged but deliriously happy house frau.
Of course, I stopped for coffee first, because a nice, creamy espresso makes shopping the cold, humongous aisles at Home Depot a much more pleasant experience. And there, sitting in a corner chair at Caribou Coffee, with one hand on an unopened book and the other holding a paper cup of coffee, was a neighbor of mine from thirteen years ago. Not just any neighbor, but one I had been fairly close to while we were both in the trenches of single motherhood, school, and trying to carve out careers for ourselves.
Her short yellow hair was uncombed and even from a few feet away I could see the smudges on her eyeglasses. It seems we both left the house in a state of disarray, and I laughed to myself, wondering what happened to the days neither of us would even go to the grocery store without makeup on. Obviously, that was a phase we’d both outgrown.
She jumped up when she saw me, we squealed and hugged, and the first fifteen minutes of our conversation was filled with wide smiles and child-pride stories. Then it was time to talk about us — what we had done, where we had been, and where we were headed. Suddenly, the laughter faded, replaced by an intensity that was all at once anxious, hopeful, and wanting. It was as if a thousand “I Need” vines had sprung up around us, each of them thirsty and reaching for the sun — but they weren’t cloying at all — instead, they were just there, aching a little bit, and desiring relief, or something more.
We had both spent 20+ years raising children as single parents, and neither of us regretted that, but when our kids left home we both found ourselves feeling displaced and somewhat at a loss. My neighbor imagined that she’d have something like a second youth — the freedom to do what she wanted, when she wanted. Perhaps she’d even fall in love and marry again. I imagined that I’d travel the world and write stories along the way.
“For years, you’re just consumed with creating this life for your children,” she told me, “and that just doesn’t turn off when they’re gone. So you keep doing what you’ve always done. . .even if it’s empty. You have a routine. It’s dull, but it’s familiar. A few years pass, and you realize you’re not even awake anymore. You’re just existing. You’re numb.”
“Yes,” I replied, “That’s exactly how it was for me, too. It’s the waking up part that’s painful. You look around and wonder what opportunities there are at this age. You worry about time you’ve wasted and things you should have done differently. You know you need to do something different, but so many things seem out of reach or impractical — ”
“And I don’t know about you,” she said, “but I’ve gotten scared. Like maybe I’m not as strong as I once was, or as energetic. I worry that other people won’t value me as much at this age, and the opportunities won’t be there.”
She told me that, despite her fear, she was enrolling in a Masters program for teaching. I told her about my upcoming cross-country journey. We then laughed at ourselves and pumped each other full of warm encouragement. Two forty-something, empty-nest women who were waking up to changed lives and new possibilities. Both of us simultaneously understanding that we needed so much more than memories of motherhood and faded, underpaid careers to get us to the next level of our lives. Both of us a little afraid, but still willing to take risks and dream big.
We hugged each other goodbye like two sister-soldiers heading off to different battles. I ordered another latte and left to finish my errands. I wasn’t even out of the parking lot when my brakes failed. As in, they were almost completely gone. One week after a full inspection, two new tires, a flush & fill, and an oil change. Six months after new brake pads. I very carefully turned around and drove the mile home. Tomorrow, the tow truck will come and I’m pretty sure the mechanic will tell me I need a new master cylinder. It don’t come easy. . .you know it don’t come easy.
I’m still holding out hope that an automobile company, like GMC/Chevy, will sponsor my trip. Yes, I have been a Ford fan for thirty years, but I can change. I can envision replacing the old Bronco, Hank, with a sturdy Yukon Hybrid or a Sierra I’d name Ed. Ed would be a much better travel companion — certainly a much more handsome one – but if it ends up being Hank and me, that will be okay, too. My wing-and-prayer trip will lose a few feathers, but it’s still on by October 12 even if (God forbid) I have to give up my coffee habit and live on crackers for awhile. Dream big, yes, but prepare to live simply — one of my professors told me that when she learned I wanted to be a writer, and over the years I’ve come to understand exactly what she meant. There are rarely any overnight or immediate successes, but you have to keep pushing, hoping, and challenging yourself even if the only reward for all your efforts is the work itself.
I will be putting together a short book of stories as a fundraiser very soon. Everyone who has already donated to this trip will receive one, regardless of the amount donated. I truly appreciate the support and am excited (and relieved!) that so many people have offered accommodations and other assistance along the way. This trip would not be possible without the internet, and the interest shown here and on Twitter and Facebook.
Okay, it’s back to packing, cleaning, singing, and counting down the days. You gotta pay your dues if you wanna sing the blues, and you know it don’t come easy. . . But it will come, I know it will, because I’m just that determined that nothing will stop me.
Comments are open.
It is almost OCTOBER!! I am so excited for you. Damn, I wish a car company would sponsor you with a new vehicle.
I think that running into your former neighbor was a sign of all the fabulous adventures to come. I am so excited for you. I am excited to discover new places and people vicariously through you. Keeping my fingers crossed that someone will sponsor you. YOu would think one of the companies like Ford who makes a hybrid S*UV would love to show us how much less gas it takes you to drive across the country. Heck they cuold have a web page with a game like guess how much fuel Jane will use in her hybrid on this leg….hmmm wish I worked for them.
Jane, this post is very inspiring not just to me but I am certain many other women of our age group.
Almost cried while reading it. I know each of those feelings(intimately) that you wrote about.
What the hell, if you can take on this adventure I can most certainly post pics of my art.
And I think running into your long lost friend is a very positive sign for both of you.
I am excited for you and even more excited to see what you write about this year.
I wish I’d known about this last year because I would have had a great car for you, and it would have been free! Always a day late….
A sponsor would be great but you know you’ll do fine on your own. People will help you, I know, because you’ve helped so many. It will come around.
Jane, your writing and insights never cease to amuse me, intrigue me and inspire me. I’m looking forward to every stop on your journey, as I know your other friends and readers are. We all want to ‘discover’ the America you’ll encounter along the way. What better symbol could one of America’s automakers (oh… say for instance, GMC) have to inspire a whole new market for their safe and reliable vehicles during these tough economic times, when it sometimes seems we’re torn apart as a nation rather than united, than your experiences traveling the highways of this country, meeting the folks who make up to fabric of the American story? All the best, and see you in SoCal!
What you are doing is so brave. Yes, there will be challenges, but what an amazing adventure you will have. I am so looking forward to reading your stories! Drive Boldly.
Joining you on this trip is a chance for all of us to wake up, to dream, to find our America, and to know that yes, we are strong enough, smart enough, brave enough to change.
Geez, I want to be you when I grow up. Right now I am in the trying-to make-my-home-an-empty-nest syndrome…(Is twelve too young to kick to the curb?)
Best of luck with your adventure..I’ll be folloowing along, if only through your words….
I love the line about reaching for each other like vines. What a lovely image.
Taking a page from my elders. “What the hell you talking about; you still have half a life to go”. We rush thru our lives living the productivity creed. Yes we can do a lot, multi-taskers can do so much more but eventually it comes down to quality of life and that doesn’t take a lot of time. Sometimes its sitting right next to you. You will make a fabulous crone. The world is in need of wise souls. I believe you are one. Enjoy the ride.Much Love
Friend for life (twitter verified certification)
Rod Campbell
Until today I wondered if life would construct too many roadblocks, if your journey would be canceled due to rough terrain. But now I’m certain you’re on your way and I’m proud and excited and sending lots of supportive energy. You will change lives, not just your own. Your voice will emanate from every highway and byway.
GM would woo a lot of women like us (do they have any notion of our numbers, our strength?) by sponsoring one of us. I would be all over their site if you had a blog there, written of course, after traveling America in one of their vehicles. And they could make commercials of you on your journey, to be posted during webcasts of tv shows. (GM Guys: Check out the Toyota and Lexus ads running during ABC’s webcasts. They caught my attention. I actually watched them and participated in the interactive features. And I HATE commercials!)
SO MUCH POTENTIAL for all involved. I feel like I’m going along on the trip. You inspire me.
This is a fabulous post,love it. Yup, it’s really happening and I am so vicariously excited for you.We will clebrate in style soon!After all, Life is about the ride, not just the destination.
“It was as if a thousand “I Need” vines had sprung up around us, each of them thirsty and reaching for the sun — but they weren’t cloying at all — instead, they were just there, aching a little bit, and desiring relief or something more.” — I love how your mind works, and the words you choose… I so admire you, Jane.
Wonderful post. Neat that you ran into an old friend.
I’m nervous and excited for you! I hope Hank hangs in there or you get a car sponsor [any sponsor!]. Crossing all my fingers and toes, sending good thoughts and keeping you in my prayers.
Ohhh you are good! I recognize the vines, even I keep trying to ignore them. Not nearly as brave as you are, but you are an inspiration! I will be following every mile.
Hopefully they will realize the value and help you “See the USA in your Chevrolet” ;o)
GM Jane! I would have totally suggested that when you were having your contest if I’d known.
I think you should totally drop Hank for Ed. I would sleep better knowing that you were safe & I think Hank’s a little iffy in that department. ‘Sides, I think Chevy is better than Ford.
Your thousand vines….I know them even though our child isn’t even in school yet. Being a mother is the best job I’ve ever had, but there are things that tug at me like unfinished business and I also worry about time passing me by and opportunities slipping away.
Like others have said, I’m going to be on this trip with you, even if it’s from my living room. I really can’t wait to see where you go and who you meet! You have my support and when you get you book together, I will definitely buy it!
Just can’t wait to hear that you are starting out. I am so excited for you and will be following your progress. This is so exciting.
I’m holding my breath for you. I think ahead to insurance, car repairs, health, prescriptions, plan it all out in Excel, lists, notebooks, and then after a check with the bank balance, slip one toe into the waters of self-reliance and living withut a job. I’m in my second year of going it alone, happily, each day seeing sunlight and trees (as opposed to fluorescent lighted cubicles.) I finished a book, got it semi-published (read – they’re designing a cover as we speak) and am noodling along on another one. Anyway, as it’s getting colder, I hope you’ll head away from snow ahead of the blizzards, hit balmy skies and lovely vistas with never a sniffle, and will arrive someplace warm in every way for Christmas. A lot of us are out there with you, even though some of us elected to hunker down in our caves and only take your trip vicariously through reading about it. Jane Kerouac On the Road. I love it.
You’ll rock it.
This trip sounds so exciting. I can’t wait for you to start it and begin your journey. Do you have it all mapped out or will you be playing it by ear? I’m hoping you get the help you need to make this a success. New York City will be ready for you.
I’m following you, step by step. As a 40something with a sophomore in high school, I know well those feelings, and a hunger for a journey. You better visit me in Tallahassee.
Read Starting Out in the Afternoon by Frayne
You are such an inspiration! I can not wait to hear about your adventures on the road and the people that you encounter. Let the journey begin!
Sweet Jane (can’t help it, everytime I see your name, I think of that song) – you are so brave and amazing to embark on this fantastic journey. I love this country so, and I know you are going to see some amazing things and meet many wonderful people. Hoping your travels bring you to OKC. Would love to show off my little corner of the world.
Baggy sweats are the BEST!!! I also have an entire package of AA batteries – they were 2 for the price of one at the drug store. It is even a package of 20 or something like that. Consider it my first donation to your journey!!!
You carry the dreams and hopes of many with you on your journey. You inspire and allow us to live vicarously through you; touching our core buried beneath other’s expectations, emboldening us to take a long hard look at ourselves AND dream BIG DREAMS for you and ourselves.
Peace, Blessings and Gratitude,
Tigressreow
Beautifully written, as always. Your meeting the neighbor almost seems like a huddle before the game where everyone ends with a cheer and then breaks and runs onto the court or field- totally pumped and ready to play the game.
You put this feeling perfectly when you wrote about the “I Need” vines, even though I’m not sitting here with an empty nest (and might never be) I am realizing the change in my needs more. Your journey has already made my mind move over other possibilities and proclaim “I’m not dead yet!”
I got to a point where I felt I was doing paperwork for the first part of my life and now, with the last waiver signed, I can dive in head first. Your writing of your journey is the reassurance, the water wings, I need to leave the platform. Your writing is just what I needed. Thank you for that.
I just turned 40, and have a BABY at home. You give me hope that my life as both middle-aged woman and mom can continue to grow and change and inspire. There aren’t enough places for women to land in this world. They don’t give us enough slots in which to fit ourselves, so I guess we just have to make our own place. You go. You go for all of us!
Thanks for some Sunday inspiration.
Oh, and I just starting going on errands without any makeup. I love hearing that I’m right on target with that step in my evolution.
Baggy sweats are the BEST!!! I also have an entire package of AA batteries – they were 2 for the price of one at the drug store. It is even a package of 20 or something like that. Consider it my first donation to your journey!!!
Jane, I turned 60 in Sept., I’m a former newspaper columnist now strategic communications consultant, mom, stepmom, dreamer–I love your work and your decision to take this amazing journey. After discovering your blog and spending a wonderful chunk of time immersed in catching up, I’m so inspired by what your doing and discovering. It’s a vision I’ve had for my future, so I can’t wait to share your experience. If you want to meet some more great folks in WY & MT, let me know. Be well, stay safe and relish this incredible freedom!