I woke in the morning, and there was a sheet of ice covering the whole world.
It was drifting into infinity, frozen,
stuck in place.
I stood in front of this icy barrier, transfixed,
spiraling into a space that left me cold and shaken.
In the freeze, all the impossible things echoed back at me –
not yours, never enough, never will be.
And everything that was ever lost, that fell apart,
that never fell into place,
came sliding down
until I felt myself crashing, breaking —
There were tears I would have wept had I felt warmer
& things I would have screamed had I felt less weak,
but there was a vice on my neck & my voice was damaged.
When Alice in Wonderland meets Go Ask Alice,
curious wonder turns into a mean obsession
& love, in all of its fantastical, tangible proportions
turns upon itself,
feeding on angry words,
and 3 a.m. frustrations –
Innocence dies a sloppy death, alone.
And dreams, once-nurtured,
twist themselves into angry muscles
longing to shatter the chains,
to hold onto something until it breaks
beyond recognition, beyond repair.
Touch me like you mean it, I once said,
and you did
You left something so deep inside of me
that I’d have to cut myself in half to find it.
I drive a spike through my spirit at least once every season
hoping rust and ice might fall away. . .
hoping the elusive spark of something
that once left me warm & thriving
is no longer out of reach.