Is Pathetic the New Black?
None of us, including me, are totally immune from slipping into abject self-pity. I’ve certainly had my times of Kleenex, Ben & Jerry’s, and late-night calls to tolerant friends. I even have a bathrobe I reserve for miserable times. It’s gray, fuzzy, oversized, and as warm as a blanket. It’s about twenty years old, has tissues in the pocket, and tear stains on the sleeves. There’s nothing sexy about it — in fact it’s so unsexy that the few people who’ve seen me in it have threatened to throw it away. No way. That bathrobe has seen me through some hard times. I expect I’ll be rolled into the nursing home wearing my gray robe and my favorite pair of Frye buckle boots, clutching a carton of Marlboro Lights and a pound of coffee against my saggy chest. Now that’s a pathetic image.
It would seem that for some people, though, being pathetic isn’t just a passing phase, but an all-encompassing lifestyle.
Oh, R.W. Hill. What is the world to do with 93 poems detailing your “one man quest…to find true love but none was to be found, in this world for him. For he was looking in a love-less world. And now he is to old and grey for to find true love.” Gosh, I’m really not certain. Part of me wants to tell you to put down the pen and go somewhere. For the worst Bingo game, R.W., has got to be better than writing another stanza that starts with the word “for“.
Maybe R.W. can get together with Leonard. Poor Leonard. He’s both anti-social and lonely, which is a horrible combination.
“The Life of a Loner has always been the life I lived since I never had any close friends I hardly ever even go to a Restaurant to eat, I usually go get something and come back to my Apartment and eat where I can eat in peace and write my books…”
It’s important to be able to eat in peace. No one wants a noisy crowd hanging over them as they’re trying to concentrate on their soup. It’s also an ideal time to work on your next self-published romance novel where the principal characters are The Woman and The Man. I understand. But seriously, Leonard? I see couples at the stores, in the malls, everywhere, and a whole bunch of them aren’t pretty or handsome or even terribly social. You can do it, Leonard! Go to that restaurant, go to that park, meet some people, Leonard. Writing about The Woman will be much more gratifying when, you know, you’ve actually met one or two.
R.W. and Leonard have fine company in INXS’s former rock and roll protege J.D. Fortune. After a 23-month tour and an album with the aging rock band, the winner of Rockstar: INXS claimed he had been fired in a Hong Kong airport and was sleeping in his car. That story was disputed by INXS, and J.D. retracted his comments about getting fired. “I don’t know where I am going, from sofa to sofa, from night to night. I am trying to get through my life,” J.D. was quoted as saying. It appears that whatever money J.D. earned went up his nose in the form of cocaine. That Gold Dust Woman can be wicked.
The funny thing is that J.D.’s contract had expired, but the band had planned to call him for their next recording session. That’s not happening now, and it’s not going to help J.D.’s career that he bit the backs of those who fed him in order to get tabloid sympathy.
There are a lot of other examples but I’m already on Pathetic Overkill.
Experiencing the real grit of life, from the joyous to the tragic is, I think, what keeps me feeling whole and grounded. There’s a difference, though, between sharing stories of despair, and making a lifestyle out of despairing. There are 8760 hours in a year — they can’t all be miserable.
There’s nothing wrong with digging the gray robe out of the back of the closet once-in-awhile, but when it becomes the outfit of choice, it’s really time to burn it, put on some walking shoes, and get out into the world — where you’ll find that there are a whole lot of other people who really aren’t all that different from you. Or maybe they are, and you’ll find something interesting, telling, redeeming, or beautiful in the difference.
It’s a fine line, isn’t it? The line that separates sad or depressed from self-pitying and pathetic. The line between self-awareness and self-absorption. The line between riding out a rough patch and wallowing in it. The line between WTF and deep-seated bitterness.
As a blogger and ruminator, I sometimes worry about going too far and sharing too many dark moments with my readers. How do I keep the blog real without throwing a pity party? It’s a juggling act.
Okay, I don’t know whether to laugh at or cry for Leonard and RW, but they should definitely get together. Maybe they can share an apt. and invite JD to sleep on the couch.
I do pathetic about once a year for 10 minutes. Even then I feel guilty because I HAVE SO MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR!!!! I may learn it soon, but not yet.
Life can sometimes be a female dog and you have the need to have a pity party. However, if you get in a rut of wearing “the gray robe”, no one wants to be around you.
I was crippled at 4 months old. I had braces on my legs, used crutches, a wheelchair, school was gawd-awful with “teasing”.
But I’ve learned some jokes and I use them because it makes other people more comfortable to be around me. I named my crutches “Alfred” and Alphonse”. I would say I was the only girl in college with *2* guys sleeping UNDER the bed. I’d say I have two men to support me and they’re perpetually firm, what more could a girl ask. I say I have two legs but one doesn’t work and is only for show and a poor show at that.
I’m now unable to walk but have a spiffy battery powered scooter in candy apple red and people talk to and with me. I still make jokes. My *PHYSICAL* Therapist told me to have a pity party because I was holding in too much stress and it was not helping my body function to it’s limited but full potential. So I allow/sometimes make myself have a pity party once a week for about 5 minutes. That’s about all I can stand.
I have a simple but comfortable home, a man who loves me (most of the time!) friends, interests, I’m wealthier than 95% of the worlds population but very middle, middle class. I have more clothes than I need, too much food, too many things that I’m interested in and enjoy (especially books). I’m one of the blessed ones.
R.W., Leonard, and J.D. need to look outside themselves and really need to shower, put on clean clothes and take a walk outside. No one likes a longtime sniveler. That is not a snipe at the truly depressed.
Some people are just negative people and need to get a life.
“Self-absorbed people make me sick, and then my stomach hurts and I get a headache and I’m just like well what about me? I have problems too.I mean seriously. I like stubbed my toe and then I was at a light and this guy honked at me and it was totally out of line and it really upset me. So then I went to get a donut and they didn’t have the kind I wanted and I was like you’ve got to be kidding me, what else can go wrong…”
Jane, your Mila story went over very well with my girls. They want to read more, so get cracking! LOL.
I tried to read some of RW’s poems, but it made me too sad! I agree with you. We all get down in the dumps, but some people do like to linger there way too long. One of the reasons I like your site so much is that it’s realistic, sometimes angry, sometimes hopeful, sometimes even dreamy. It’s as 3-d and real as the person that writes it, and I think it’s really representative of how most of us live and feel…in a spectrum instead of an some 1 dimensional mode.
I am ROFL’ng @ http://www.zazzle.com/rolliefish. That’s RW’s sales site. He sells a t-shirt that says ‘For I am what dreams are made of. So make your dreams come true.’ Another one says: ‘Love, for I am love in all of it glory !!’ It glory, not its. Two other t-shirts have misspellings, and he sells a hat that says ‘I Will Love You To Death!!’ which is totally scary. LOL.
After that, I can’t even visit Leonard. I’m in love with RW.
Great title! To your point, we all have pathetic times within a year, but let’s hope the greater portion of 8760 hours (assuming your math is correct ;)) is not spent wallowing in self pity.
I think those who are pathetic as an “all-encompassing lifestyle” probably suffer from a personality disorder like narcissism. I’m no expert though.
I want to go to the same nursing home as you so I can borrow your boots and bum a smoke. I’ll bring more coffee.
There is also a difference between Loner and Lonely.I’ve always been a little bit of a loner with a busy social life.Now, I am embracing this part of my life to spend time with *me* –the woman who spent the vast majority of her life working-primarily with others.
I am still, quiet and often introspective. Mostly, I observe and experience a hundred little things that seemed to have slipped past me all these years, little joys and pleasures. Sometimes I feel terribly neglected and sulk (there is no one here to notice), so eventually, I pick up the phone or get in the car and reconnect. But mostly. I’m pretty happy.
Okay, this article didn’t really sit well with me.
I followed the link to R.W. Hill’s website, and yes, his poems are as you describe them. But, did you check out his other writing? There are a number of different categories and they don’t seem to be sad, whining, depressive style of stories. One category is “funny stories”. His writing is different, and he lacks spelling and grammer skills. And it is not a site I will choose to go back to, but I don’t think that makes him pathetic. He sounds rather eccentric to me. I’m not sure how you decided he was pathetic based on one aspect of him - his poems.
As for Leonard … umm not a lot of info to go on there. He doesn’t necessarily sound unhappy to me. It sounds to me he is simply saying he is a loner. Pretty big leap to deciding he is pathetic.
But, what I really don’t get is the logic of asking if pathetic is the new black, and using 2 rather obscure men as an example. They are not well known or fashionable in any way. How could they be an example of the new black?
Hi Suzanne,
I understand what you’re saying. I should have made it clearer that I was finding this type of stuff all over the internet, and that I was not calling people pathetic, but rather the thoughts behind chronic statements like “loveless world” (RW) and “a huge majority of the world doesns’t care about anybody but themselves” (LM).
It’s not just three men. I wrote about these ones because they were the most up-front about it. I actually had a lot of examples. A woman who wrote a post that sounded like she was dying, and that begged her readers to send her gift from Amazon because she didn’t know how else she was going to make it — the surgery was a laparoscopy. A celebrity who whined about the press he helped create. A friend of a friend who complained that her 401K was down to “only” 2 mil. And while it may be “all relative” for some, I’ve never believed a broken toe was on par with, say, cancer. And I think it’s okay to feel the world is loveless or cruel — it very often is — but when that becomes the overriding thought that informs everything else, it really is time to stretch some boundaries.
Lastly, you’re right: I probably could have written a better article.
Hi Jane,
Thanks for the clarification. I really did think you were calling the people pathetic. Calling the thoughts pathetic is much better!
I still somehow think with RW that while that thinking is chronic in his poetry, the poetry is just one aspect of him and he expresses other aspects of himself in his other writing. So, overall perhaps not chronic, at least in my opinion. I do get what you are saying though.
V-Grrrl - I love your blog. It’s very real life, and as LBJ said, 3-D.
Carol Lynn - I do it two or three times a year. I don’t feel guilty about it, just stuffy afterwards.
Marcie - the problem can be on the outside or on the in, but I think like me you learned that you’ve got to work with what you’ve got.
Mary - LOL.
LB - glad to hear it!
Cyn - I expect you to buy a t-shirt.
Chris - How much fun! A nursing home friend. Let’s count on it.
Doris - I totally get that distinction. A love for solitude is not the same as a fear of the world.
You are being featured on Intrepid Tuesday!
http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2014/03/intrepid-tuesday-edition-20.html
I wouldn’t say JD Fortune is pathetic. It would be if he just crawled into a hole but he hasn’t. He is moving on with his solo career and seems happier than he’s been in a long time. He has written some great songs. Too bad INXS will not benefit from them. Angst is great song writing material.
I do think some people thrive on chaos which I think is different than someone who is pathetic. A pathetic person never takes risks. A pathetic person doesn’t learn from their mistakes. It takes more courage to thrive on chaos and admit to your mistakes, frankly.
I think what was pathetic about JD is that he lied to the press. About people that chose and supported him. I agree that wasn’t a good career move!
I am one who thinks tnhat having a few cathartic moments of my life sucks is healthy but , my personal belief is that these are not moments to be shared with the universe. Now to me that is different than the keeping it real onthe blog moments, most bloggers that I read seem to be able to in the course of the post be like my life sucks this is whats wrong and yet by the end ofthe post seem to be moving on in their thoughts process already…for example a friend posted her sadness about finding a doctor that respected her, treated her , listened to her and explained things in a way she could understand just to go in and find out today that he was closing his practice. By the end though she had at least moved forward to the well I asled to be on the list of people otified as to where he ends up and at least I have my hubby to snuggle with. In my world it is nice to see the play the moments of frustration and sadness but the process of what do I do how do I pick myself up. The ones that make me crazy are the people that don’t seem to want motion, they just want to wallow and if presented with an idea for a fix, yes but it to death.
I know exactly what you mean, Jane. Sometimes people fall into a mode that gets them attention then it becomes their personality. Oh poor me. Life can be strange sometimes. I saw a Laura Burch purse in a store window that I pass now and then. It is the one with the three cats on the front. I thought how I liked it but I am really not a designer type person. Save that thought. My daughter called me one day and asked it I would pick my granddaughter up from preschool. She was crying with an earache and my daughter could not get there for another hour. There was deep snow on the ground and ice on the parking lot of CVS when I pulled in to get some tylenol. There were no parking places near the sidewalk except handicapped, but those were all empty. I am not handicapped but I do have metal in my back from surgery and cannot risk falling on the ice especially with a child in tow so I parked in the handicapped spot fartherest from the door. I took my granddaughter into the store, bought a bottle of children’s tylenol and a lollypop and went back out. Every handicapped place was full and a man on crutches with his foot in a cast was standing by my car. “Do you have a sticker?” He asked. I said no. He pointed way across the parking lot. “That’s where I had to park”. He said. I apoligized while I clamped the child into the booster seat. When I drove off I momentarily thought that he could have just waited. No one stays in CVS very long. I was feeling persecuted and then at a cross walk a homeless man was pushing a grocery cart down the icy sidewalk with the cat purse on his arm. There was a message in all that somewhere which I may have missed but at least it jolted me off the pity pot.
Right on with that last paragraph lady! Love it. This is my second time over here and it’s clear there’s a lot of thinking going on….maybe too much for my fried mama’s brain. But I’m gonna take it as a challenge to come over and read you and keep my brain alive.
I hope it didn’t sound like I was taking the plight of the homeless lightly. I do not. It just struck me as odd, that when I was feeling so misjudged that I was jolted back to reality by this homeless man with the purse. It was almost like one of those Twilight Zone stories.
Seems like you want balance, Jane.
Based on earlier articles, like “George Rindahl…,” you want the Pollyannas and Little-Miss-Sunshines to acknowledge that sometimes it rains; and it sucks to be wet and cold. But you also want the bitchers and moaners to occasionally see the bright side.
Balance. Seems like it’s always the answer.
Kate, I have an instinctive distaste for anything that seeks to negate reality. Even fantasy stories, for me, have to have a core of reality in order for me to feel them as valid expressions. I don’t believe that balance has ever really existed in the larger world, although I’m sure many find it within themselves. We’ve always lived in a world of disparities and uneven curses and blessings. Both the cursed and the blessed have stories to tell, and the stories don’t have to be balanced, in my opinion, to tell a valuable tale…but they should be realistic. A blessed person who talks about what they “deserved” and who thanks an invisible god for their fortune is as blind to me as the cursed person who thinks they deserve no better and that they’ve been handpicked by some elusive entity called karma to suffer.
Ann, I enjoyed your story.
Dear Jane,
Balance is a significant word in my lexicon. I must learn not to reflect that on others. I do understand what you’re saying. The world is NOT fair. Never has been. Never will be. There’s no explaining why many things happen, afflictions occur, people suffer. They just do.
But by telling the stories, good and bad, we illuminate the good and cast light into the darkness of the bad. Each is a valuable tale.
Perhaps in trying to encompass the feelings of others I wasn’t clear. My initial comment is that I see no problem with times of cathartic wallowing in the “my life sucks” moments. I just have the belief that these are times that don’t need to be expressed to the whole world just as you made clear in your post that the whole world doesn’t see you in that particular bathrobe. I went on becasue I had read this comment “As a blogger and ruminator, I sometimes worry about going too far and sharing too many dark moments with my readers” to say that I see bloggers posts differntly becasue at least in the blogs I read I see the process, be it in the one post or over the course of the blog. If the entire blog were of the “my life sucks” variety, I wouldn’t keep coming back.
I don’t think I was trying to negate reality nor asking other people to, my thought was that my experience is that even if ones whole life is a giant bowl of suck there are days that suck less versus days that suck more and that there is motion of some sort. You wouldn’t write nor would I read a novel about someone who had no process, no motion….even if it isn’t a balance of good things to bad things. I don’t believe that the universe is balanced between good and bad either, but I do believe that it is in constant motion.
Seriously Jane you are brilliant. I love this. As someone who fights against truly debilitating mental illness and struggles every day to go out into the world, I find people who make it their goal to be miserable a whole lot annoying. Oh, Woe is me, is so over done. Like you said we all need a proverbial gray bathrobe to comfort us once in a while, some of us maybe more than others, but there comes a time to take off the robe, take a shower, throw on some jeans and a t-shirt and get to living.