Other Person: You know, you should lighten it up sometimes. Your blog can be depressing.
Me: I know. I’m just not all that funny, though.
OP: You’re not totally unfunny.
Me: Really? I once cried during a Damon Wayan’s comedy sketch. Do you want to know why?
OP: No! Write another piece about your vagina. That was funny.
Me: To you and maybe two other people. And my vagina wasn’t the least bit amused. I had to eat a half a box of chocolates to make her happy again.
OP: You’re blaming that on your vagina?
Me: She rules the roost.
OP: Um, you know that it’s not really a separate entity, don’t you?
Me: Right. Like I’d give myself mood swings and hot flashes.
OP: Back to what I was saying. Do you think you could write something that doesn’t call up images of slums and exploitation or, as Doris put it, exceed anyone’s quota of Sturm und Drang?
Me: Ha! Doris has a death counter on her site. She’s not as sunshine-y as those twinkling blue eyes would have us believe. Besides, my new blog boyfriend Ryan liked the piece on George, and so did my artistic BFF, (and the mother of boys so cute they make my eyes hurt), Kris. Annie, Anne, Ann, Julia, SusanS, Mary, and Melissa, even if it was a little close to home for her. . .
OP: OK, now you’re just shamelessly throwing out link love. Why don’t you write about something funny that happened to you this week, instead?
Me: Well, I did watch two women declare their undying love to each other on Facebook after a very brief, long-distance courtship. I thought that was funny, but only in lesbian-land. They’ll be together for three or six or eight years now.
OP: Three or six or eight?
Me: Yes, don’t ask why. Those are the magic numbers that follow instant, undying love. Although if it’s six or eight, the last three to five years will be hell. By the way, did I tell you I have a blind date this Saturday?
OP: I thought you swore off of blind dates since the Pillsbury incident?
Me: It was Play-Doh, and it was therapy for her. I just didn’t expect that she’d tell me her life story through clay finger puppets on our first date. Her mother was neon pink by the way, and the rest of the family was blue. Do you think there’s any significance to that?
OP: No, Freud. Sometimes a blob is just a blob. So are the same friends setting you up this time?
Me: Rorschach had the blobs, not Freud. They always looked like uteruses or butterflies to me. Sometimes the uteruses had ghosts or scary sex images in them. Like this one:
OP: Okay, wow, I really didn’t need to see that. Why are you going on this blind date again?
Me: Well, I could stay home and write my thoughts about the blogger who told me about keeping a pig’s head in a bucket in her garage, and all the nightmares I’ve had since.
OP: Good god - please no!
Me: Okay then, blind date it is. And who knows? Maybe she’ll be as amusing as that one who told me that wearing a bra was capitulating to the patriarchy.
OP: That wasn’t funny.
Me: You had to be there. It’s always the ones who are like a 52F that think bras are a conspiracy against women.
OP: Can you blame them? By the way, I’m pretty sure that even if I was a lesbian, we’d never date.
Me: Is this where I’m supposed to ask why?
OP: God only knows what you’d write about me.
Me: I’d totally write about your addiction to the Rabbit.
OP: I’m weaning myself. It just doesn’t do much for me anymore.
Me: I think the next step up is a jackhammer, sister.
OP: Yeah, anyway, so glad we don’t date. Can we get back to you?
Me: Sure, just let me finish this post I’m working on first.
***
So what do YOU see in the Rorschach? Any WTF dating experiences you’d like to share? You know, just between us?
{ 36 comments… read them below or add one }
awww. i’m so happy to be your BFF but why can’t Ryan be MY blog boyfriend? oh, wait. that would mean i’d have to have a spec of talent as a writer, which i don’t. you, my friend, ARE funny. this is hysterical. have you thought of screenwriting? this is right up there with Nancy Meyers work.
okay, maybe it’s because it’s your blog and you are sharing your experiences but that Rorschach reminds me of that OTHER frightening dating story you shared with me a while back.
It. Must. Never. Be. Spoken. Of.
i know but the sick part is i keep looking at that damn ink blot and laughing…i can’t stop laughing!! i’m sooooo sick.
Way back when, before I was married, I went to a disco (let me age myself here) on a group date. I had a brand-new boyfriend, as in this was our second date, and a fake ID. We all did, and I think the club knew but let us in anyway.
After a few drinks, my girlfriend’s and I went to the bathroom and I borrowed some girl’s hairspray to fix my hair. I did this with a cigarette in my mouth. The cigarette flamed up, I blew it out of my mouth and it landed in my friend Sandy’s hair. It burned a nice chunk of her hair, and I had a red mark on the tip of my nose. It was the worst night I ever had on a date!
I once took an online Rorschach test and was so frightened that I quit half-way through. They either looked like vaginas or the devil – or evil in some way. I know that says something about me, but I don’t know what……
I see a rabbit. I did it wrong. I didn’t see a vagina at all
You did however write a funny post here. I was flattered to be part of your link love.
Wow – I never really carefully at a Rorschach before. I see the Goddess having a conversation with a fanciful dragon fly, with rocket launchers in the background.
Kris, I’m glad to have someone else sharing my pain.
Barb, I’m betting it was Aqua-Net. That stuff was evil!
Carol Lynn, I think it means we have something in common.
Ryan, hmmm. A rabbit-rabbit, or A Rabbit? LOL.
Red Flashlight, Welcome! Always a pleasure to have another artist on board!
I see a guy dressed up for Mardis Gras as a big busted woman throwing beads. Oh wait… is that Jindal?
My worse blind date I’d have to say was with this guy who had one of those crazy eyes that you never quite know where exactly they are looking. He took me on a drive into the Sierras that was like a combination of Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride and a Tilt-O-Whirl. Worst driver on the planet. I swear the date lasted like 9 hours and I just barely got out of kissing him. I wasn’t very assertive at that time and didn’t want to hurt his “feelings”. *puking a little in my mouth now Later he tells my friend that he wasn’t interested. I was relieved beyond belief but was also pissed as hell. LOL
That Rorschach pic reminds me of a really bad experience I had at the gynocologist. Need I say more?
Rabbit??? I thought it was a hamster? Time for an eye exam I guess.
I see a cat’s face.
Or is that a pussy?
I see a uterus with a lady inside with an “o no” expression on her face. She is holding up to big fucking donuts, why I do not know. Perhaps to divert the scary, weapon like penis with the little frog legs coming at her. Thepenis is headed stright for her black boobs on her white body.
I think you are funny.
I’m not going to answer this one … but the comments about donuts and frogs legs about nails it.
Jane Devin is funny! Very funny. and it’s not a Death counter, it’s a Humility Minder.
Will you be taking you*Vajayjay* on your blind date? Maybe there’ll be an interesting report. I have an intersting Match story (aren’t hey all?) but way too long.
I agree that most Rorschach tests look like uterine ultra sounds.
Thank you pseudo for admitting to seeing the same things I did! It might say something horrible about my psyche but I somehow felt so much better about myself by not being the only one! lol
And Jane, I think you give ‘OP’ just the sort of sassy replies they deserve! ;o)
I happened to look up at the tv (on mute) while I read this and any dating experiences immediately went out of mind as I laid eyes on Rush Limbaugh giving a speech with his white chest hair peeking out of a black shirt. I may never date again.
Bad date? There have been so many………………
I hope the blind date went well. Love that you cried through a Damon Wayan’s sketch – funny. I’m still not a huge fan of the vagina “as voice”. I’ll continue to read if she appears though.
Regarding the blind date — is it possible that my friends purposely set out to torture me, or are they just doing their best to give me new material? I am going to ask them as soon as they come out of hiding.
Psuedo pretty much nailed what I see in that hideous Rorschach. I did though see how, instead on airplane, there could be a bunny rabbit standing on top of something vaguely uterine.
Rush Limbaugh would make me lesbian if I wasn’t already, and I think after last night my vagina is closing up shop and running away to Mexico.
Mwwwaaaaaahhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaahahaha…….
Seriously? I didn’t know!!!
Jane speechless though? PRICELESS.
Totally a uterus – I thought so before I read what anyone else had written. Maybe it is a lesbian thing. Thought of you and your blind date as my head was swimming from a couple of dirty martinis which I rarely drink – not a good choice and needless to say, didn’t make it to the roller derby extravaganza. By the way, glad I could make you laugh!
I just stumbled upon your blog and I am confused – but in a good way.
Dear Jane, Thanks so very much for the link love!!! I could really use it today…I’ve been pounding the pavement….looking for a j. o. b.
Can’t wait to hear about it.
Hey, I hope the blind date went well. That sounds very intriguing…full of possibilities!
I laughed out loud at the Rorschach image. Very scary, indeed!
Here’s my WTF for today….(a little late, I know). I still have ZERO sales on my Etsy site. What is UP with that?? Surely someone out there has some disposable income. Surely something I’m flogging would appeal to someone. One would think…hope… Yes, this is the voice of desperation, folks.
DL, I was not speechless. You should have heard me on the drive home.
Anne, WTH is a dirty martini?
Melissa, quite welcome & wish I wasn’t also in the same sinking ship!
——–
It was verified to me a few moments ago via the technical wonders and instantaneous results of the web, that I sometimes “suck”. I will try to do better at not sucking. Although I don’t think I suck too badly, any amount of suck is really not conducive to user-friendly blogging, which I try to maintain.
So does that make it a WTSuck Monday?? and wtf thinks you suck!? I think THEY suck! so there! lol
Yes, it is a WTS Monday! Thanks for having my back, Susan. I’m okay with the fact that I occasionally suck, I just wish I’d do it less often.
it’s obviously a pelvis!!!
I seem to recall some story about how you were shown these as a kid? Were they like this one? I think I’d have had nightmares!
I see what looks like a sex doll being abused in the middle of black blotches. And now I feel like I need therapy! LOL.
Vodka with olive juice ughhhhhh.
Oh – and at least three olives so that you feel like there really is food in your stomach as you are more or less drinking pure vodka – WTF was I thinking?
Ooh Anne, I’m sick just thinking about it!
Before I dated my husband (he was my BFF during my divorce and I wanted to keep him as a friend), he set me up with a friend of his. That guy ended up being a creepy stalker dude. Afterwards, I agreed to go out with the guy who 9 years later ended up being my husband. I know, I know. We rushed things.
I laughed out loud reading this, and I definitely needed a laugh. I disagree with OP on so many levels, though. I don’t find your blog depressing at all, although it is definitely thought provoking. I hope you keep blogging because you love it – that is the only reason to do it! I also hope you keep blogging because I love reading your posts – both the serious and the funny.
Absolutely hilarious and completely engaging, Jane.
I’m always touched by your work, even when I do not comment. Sometimes my hear swells or my funy bone goes wacky, sometimes my mind turns or my stomach churns, but always, always your writing evokes a real response.
My blog isn’t funny either and those who remember it when it was funny have given up on me ever giving them what they want.
I am funny in person. People love to hear my jokes but hardly anyone listens to what I’m really thinking about, which is why I write about it.
LB, I don’t remember exactly what I was shown in 3rd grade but yes, even then I thought they looked like uteruses.
Anne, that’s why I stick to Baileys & coffee.
Slow down, Beth! LOL.
Thank you, Corrine!
Kate, when people don’t comment I am convinced a story turned them off in some way.
V, I hear I’m more amusing in person, too.