As I was gathering materials and enough righteous indignation to bring you another WTF Friday, a light bulb went off. Surely, I thought, there’s a job out there for me reporting nothing but meaningless trivia. Plenty of people seem to be making their livelihoods this way, and I’m sure I could write a compelling two paragraphs about Angelina taking her daughters to an art store. In fact, I could probably cover that, plus Pamela Anderson’s naked ass, and Lindsay Lohan’s consumption of a Big Mac before noon — which would leave me plenty of time to write about something meaningful — like how a sleazy gossip site like TMZ managed to get a picture of Rihanna’s battered face from the files of the LAPD. Or the sense of entitlement that goes along with deciding to re-victimize a woman, and make a few bucks by exploiting her pain. (No link provided, because I think it’s disgusting, and that a couple of people need to lose their j-o-bee’s).
This edition of WTF Friday doesn’t aim to ask any deep questions, though. Taking the lead from some big, popular publications, we are instead going to ponder the inane and irrelevant with all the lightheartedness we can muster in a world where puffed-up provocateurs like Rush Limbaugh make more in a month than many of us will earn in a lifetime.
Oh yes, I know, my kindred American dreamers. It’s all about working hard, keeping our noses clean, and paying the bills. The working-class ethos of my ragtag childhood are ringing in my ears at this very moment. There’s no such thing as cheap Oxycontin, a free lunch, or a free ride. People with lots of money work really really hard and make wise decisions. Just ask newly-minted millionaire Dustin Dibble, age 25.
Dibble had to work (the bottle) really hard in 2006 in order to get drunk enough to fall into the path of an oncoming subway train. He lost part of one leg, but was so inebriated that he doesn’t even remember falling. A New York jury recently awarded Dibble 2.3 million dollars after his attorney convinced the jury that the conductor was 65% at fault for not stopping in time. Dibble stumbled onto the track when the train was about 180 feet away.
Elaine Hess of Florida also recently raked in the big bucks — $8 million of them — because her chain-smoking husband died in 1997 after a forty year habit. 8000 other Floridians are standing in the same lawsuit line, waiting for their slice of a $145B class action award the State won from big tobacco several years ago. Never mind that these billions could have been used to fund actual health care costs, cessation programs for smokers, and prevention programs — all of which were originally part of several State’s cases against big tobacco. Instead, let’s make a few millionaires, buy some golf carts, hire a dogcatcher, build a museum… because. Well, didn’t we just talk about shit garden economics, and the vegetables it grows?
The question on everyone’s mind though should be What Really DID happen to Anna Winthour’s Thumb? If you don’t know who Anna Winthour is, then we’re pretty much on the same page. I didn’t know either, but my fashion is pretty much limited to tatty sweaters and faded jeans. In the world out THERE, where the super-riche and fashionable people live, Winthour is the editor of that thick pile of ads otherwise known as Vogue. The mystery in the fashion world this week wasn’t why women can no longer find jeans without lycra in them, or why Vera Wang designed such hideous clothes for Kohl’s, it was why Winthour was wearing a Band-Aid on her thumb. This incredibly important story is complete with a slide show, and the relieving news that Winthour miraculously healed — even if the reporter’s emails to Vogue did go mysteriously unanswered.
It might also behoove you to know that “Hillary Clinton’s Glasses Make Rare Appearance in Seoul”. And yes, thank God, there’s another slideshow.
My point is — we seem to have missed the gravy train, people. As far as I know, there is not one paid reporter of meaningless news, or multi-million dollar lawsuit winner among us. WTF? I think some of us may have taken that whole work-hard-keep-your-nose-clean-American-dream thing a little too seriously.
So how was YOUR week? Any WTF’s you’d like to unload?
{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }
Every time I see another little blurb about Brad Pitt taking his eleventy-billion kids to the toy store or about Britney Spear buying (gasp!) an iced coffee, I think, WTF? Is this news? Who gives a flying you-know-what? Well, apparently a lot of people must, ’cause you’re right… it’s a big business. But I’d hardly call it journalism.
Well damn. I thought the bandaid on the thumb was going to be a new fashion trend and I would finally be able to afford it.
Why do cell phones all have different cords with unique connections with which to charge them? Isn’t there enough e-waste in this world without adding millions of cords every time some “must-have” new phone is released? If one has a car charger, just double the amount of waste because you can damn sure bet that the old cord will not fit the new phone. WTF???
On a brighter note, I did hear on NPR the other day that Sony, LG and a number of other techno gadget companies have agreed in principle to begin manufacturing a universal charger and connector within the phones. Gee – I wonder how long THAT will take to come to fruition……
Actually, the last comment was mine – must not have registered my name since I went through the link through facebook.
The Oscars are this week-end and WTF – can’t they just wear jeans and a sweater and donate the rest of the money to folks who can use it. The blatant spending of money for gift bags on people who don’t need the stuff…..WTF??
My WTF? this Friday is about that crazy chimp woman…I just read this and had to stop mid-way before I got ill from the visual and from laughing.
From USA Today
“STAMFORD, Conn. (AP) — Travis the chimpanzee’s relationship with his owner was closer than those of some married couples.
Sandra Herold gave him the finest food, and wine in long-stemmed glasses. They took baths together and cuddled in the bed they shared. Travis brushed the lonely widow’s hair each night and pined for her when she was away.
If she left the house alone, Travis would give her a kiss.
“If I left with someone Travis would get upset,” Herold said Wednesday.
Experts say the unusually human relationship would have been confusing for any animal. It may have also played a role in Travis’ savage attack Monday on Herold’s friend, 55-year-old Charla Nash of Stamford.”
This is a WTchimpFer Friday!
Hmmmm……….I guess I should have sued the Microtel Inn when I slipped and fell on my ass this past January in Ann Arbor? But I figured since I was wearing high-heel, black suede boots, that I might be somewhat at fault.
But…perhaps….I was wrong? I was wrong! Perhaps I can get the x-rays and doctor’s office visit paid for by……a corporation with big pockets? Maybe I can get more than the RX for 10mg Flexeril I got from the doctor? (I didn’t ask for any pain meds as my 16 year old daughter has enough for the family and everyone on our street. Don’t ask, you really don’t want to know the whole story).
Must think……must think. Nope, I couldn’t do it.
Damn, Elaine….I think I want a chimp now.
UndomesticDiva, the photogs from the rags nearly kill each other to get shots of Britney pumping gas. If I were a celeb, I’d choose at least one photographer that I’d let “catch me in the act” and split the money with her or him.
Ann, maybe the whole one glove thing will come back? LOL.
Anne, I have a whole drawer full of cords and so does my daughter. We’ve actually found ones that fit new phones between us!
Jeanne, I’ve never gotten a swag bag. I feel left out.
CarolLynn, black suede high heel boots? Suddenly, I’d like to know you better.
Yep, those sexy Pazzo Popsicle Boots (from Endless.com) were chaperoning a 4-day Model UN conference at U of M in Ann Arbor. They were my downfall. I was chaperoning 12 sixteen year-olds (11 of which were girls) because all the other parents cancelled out. It was -6F below, snow and ice all freakin weekend, but I sure looked good in my nice black coat, with lovely fake fur collar, and sexy Popsicle boots, until I slipped and fell flat on my back on the ice and snow covered driveway. Oh, and did I mention I was wearing a dress? Yep, a dress. I deserve to pay for the office visit, x-Rays and Flexeril for not buying and wearing a pair of UGGs! What was I thinking….
V-Grrrl, if you’re listening….Carol Lynn just pointed out some sexy boots:
http://www.shoemall.com/product/Pazzo-Womens-Popsicle-Boot-Black-150057/
Way sexier than Birkenstocks.
wtf I agree with you all,since I can’t even think of one wtf of my own. hi jane
so true….i just heard TMZ has a TV version? WTF?? the intro theme to ET makes my skin crawl. paparazzi should be outlawed. but BUT if all that went away, i wouldn’t have the pleasure of seeing the fine work over at Gallery of the Absurd.
http://galleryoftheabsurd.typepad.com/14/
As far as WTF news, I have two words: “Whistle Tips”
Hi Viv.
Kris, I think they should have to stand back twenty feet. In heels. With nails in them.
Ryan, you made me look — “Whistle tips are modified vehicle exhaust pipes that generate a deafening whistling sound during the operation of a motor vehicle,and they can often be heard up to even a mile away.” I can’t believe those are legal. They are even worse than the thudding boomboxes.
My WTF moments are all of a more political nature since I try to ignore the paparazzi and all that they spew. I mean, really, who cares if Britney goes to Starbucks? The only time I got all WTF over a celeb was when Britney was hauled off to the looney bin via the LA police last year. They spent $25,000 escorting her to the psych ward. Madness. Absolute madness.
High-brow, low-brow, middle-brow, there is just one brow and it’s uni-brow. It’s pretty demeaning to those of us who aspire to high-brow, or at least the expectation that life involves more that rehashing other people’s lives. Do we really get the society we deserve? Or is withstanding the onslaught of trivia frivolities a sign that maybe, just maybe we can raise the bar just a smidgeon?
I am ashamed to say I know EXACTLY who Anna Wintour is and what she looks like.
That said, I can’t believe they reported on her BAND AID! I mean, my man Justin Timberlake was at NY Fashion Week in the TENTS showing the William Rast fall collection and someone, someone reported on Anna Wintour’s bandaid instead???? I mean, Justin had FRINGED black suede boots out there on the runway and it did not look like a skanky Pochahontas.
The real WTF is why I, a woman whose favorite clothes come from Eddie Bauer, who wears sports bras instead of “lingeire” and who loves nothing more than a good pair of black yoga pants, and shops the Norma Kamali line at Wal-Mart, is so interested in fashion.
WTF? Who am I anyway?
P.S. Whoever leaked the Rihanna photos should go to jail. Seriously. They not only violated workplace policies, procedures, and common human decency by leaking that photo, they also interfered with the judicial process. I think they should put that person in a cell with Chris Brown and let them spend some quality time together.
Can we get back to the chimp? I am really sorry the woman got hurt. That’s tragic but what exactly was going on? Don’t those animals smell? Oh I forgot about the bath. I know, I’m horrible and will probably go to hell…………..
My wtf for the week was this
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/us_world/2009/02/21/2009-02-21_boy_11_charged_with_killing_fathers_fian.html
The whole time I was reading the article I kept thinking about the one you wrote about the seven year old boy with a history of violent tantrums. The parents denial was one thing, but did you read some of the news message boards? So many people thought the police were in the wrong. I have to wonder what kind of history this kid had, that he decided to pick up a gun and shoot his dad’s pregnant fiance because he was jealous that his dad was having another baby. He shot her with a “youth gun” his father no doubt gave him.
She was a beautiful woman, and she had two other children, who are now without a mother.
I’m sure the 7 year old’s parents think “oh this would never happen” but the inability to control temper DOES eventually lead to tragedy. So sad, and so many lives shattered.
My plan is to get drunk, go to Citibank HQ, slip in their foyer and sue them. Or… I could just sue them for the brain aneurysm they’ve given me from having their website unavailable so I can’t pay my bills & mortgage w/o being late and getting a late fee as well as an increase in my interest rate! I agree with Bill Maher, “Shittybank” sucks.
As a side note… I like the more rectangular shaped frames on Hill. The rounded ones make her look too much like Mrs. Claus.
j/k I really couldn’t care less.
This serves as a great reminder of why I only get my news from The Daily Show.
BTW, I’ve (along with the school system) now been sued by 4 parents. All for the most ridiculous things (like tripping over nothing and twisting an ankle… how the hell am I supposed to keep people from tripping over nothing). So far, the parents have not won. But I know one day, there will be an idiot judge on the bench.
Stacy, maybe I should try television more often. My web news is filled with insipid stories like Lindsay Lohan easting a Big Mac. It’s like there’s no escape.
Laura, I think we (most of the people) keep trying to raise it, but old habits die hard for the media. They’ve been selling us stupid for too many years.
V, you may WEAR the sports bras, but I’m betting you have some fun stuff in your top drawer.
Ann, lots of people treat their pets like humans, but this woman went beyond that. I think feeding the chimp alcohol probably didn’t help!
LBJ, couldn’t have thought it better myself.
Julia, the C1 site is just as bad. I pressed “pay now”, nothing happened, so I tried again & ended up paying twice.
Beth, I love kids but would hate your job. Thank God people like you are still willing to teach. I think schools should be able to sue parents for raising hellions.
you are so right. Work hard, keep your nose clean, pay your bills….and after you’ve saved enough to retire..voila! Wall Street Billionaires steal half of it. so nice.Grumble, grumble.
There is more to the Anna Winthour thumb story. I think one of the models who only eats during odd-numbered months mistook her thumb for a sausage. It’s just another fashion week cover up!
My WTF is that my husband noticed I put on weight yesterday, but in actuality I put on 20 lbs, six months ago. I have been dieting and exercising the last month and I have actually lost 5 lbs! Seriously, ain’t love grand! His powers of observation astound and sustain me!
Cheers,
Lisa
Doris, I know! I heard Madoff’s wife socked away a few mil before his indictment. I’ve never heard one case where any of these rich con-men end up having to pay back their victims. Minnesota’s own rip-off banker, Hal Greenwood, served only two years of a whopping five year sentence, and still owns millions of dollars in real estate — in his wife’s name of course. Meanwhile, some of his elderly victims ended up having to work at McDonalds at 70+ years old.
Lisa, that was funny! Both the model story and the weight story. Sorry to laugh at your pain.
wow.
I’m always late with with comments but I’m much more effective on a Monday morning when I’m pissy.
WTF is up with the Texas hardware store and Bush hanging out there? Is he shopping for a crowbar to help him get his head out of his ass or a wheelbarrow to haul around his piles of money?
Oh wait. I get it. It’s a joke – just like his presidency.
Bush is having trouble raising money for his library. He is trying to do a few photo ops for good will. It won’t work.
Three days late, I have a WTF! What happened to your PLEAG!? lol put it back!
You’re so funny, Susan. I had a pleag up to ask for support on my HuffPo piece because my last two pieces didn’t get many comments and fell off the page pretty quickly, but then I felt all weird about asking because it just seemed so ickily promotional. If a piece on HuffPo fails, it’s not for lack of readers. Oy. I need to not worry about it.
I’m writing a post for tonight. Will be up soon, mind willing.
After the Oscars last night, I have to say that I officially hate Hollywood. I love movies, but why do we have to listen to celebrities say inane shit in public? I would love to see an Oscars show that captures the magic of moving pictures, because I fall in love with stories in darkened theaters all the time and come out with stars in my eyes and ideas in my brain. But I don’t want to see Ben Stiller make adolescent fun of another actor or Sean Penn posture on politics yet again. Sorry…end of rant.