1.
I see her through the clouded lens of decades past, the tiny girl with the weary smile, and the sure, square hands darkened with charcoal and chalk. At nine, she built her world of art on sidewalks and cement walls, springing dark-eyed figures out of marigold fields, and white rabbits out of wishing wells.
She had a quiet grace and sensitive hearing. I remember her brother standing next to her in the empty schoolyard one summer day and screaming loudly in her ear. She collapsed to the ground crying, covering her head as if the sirens had gone off and the world was coming to an end. Her brother scoffed and walked away satisfied. I stood with my back against a wall, watching her world crumble, my eyes darting left and right, for what seemed like hours.
“It’s okay,” I finally whispered, gathering up her chalk and charcoal and putting them in my bike basket. “It will be okay.” I repeated myself dozens of times, not knowing what else to say, and finally she lifted her braided head and nodded at me with a tear stained face.
She wanted to hold hands on the way home, so we did, my left hand in her right, my other hand pushing my bike. We walked in silence, with another secret between us, one of several, and our shared knowledge bonded us together more tightly than any game of double-Dutch rope or cats-in-the-cradle ever could.
Ms. Mary Mack Mack Mack and hands wrapped in brightly colored strings were only covers, dusty book jackets under which all the real stories stirred and collided. We were, underneath the false sing-song rhythm of childhood, The Girls Who Knew Things (no one else knew). We were The Girls Who Felt Things (that no one else could guess). We were The Girls With Secrets (that couldn’t be trusted to the world). We were best friends.
On the day she was to move thousands of miles away, I rode my bike all the way to Idlewild Park, a leg-numbing journey of ten to twelve miles. I rode the kiddie train around the park and glared at anyone who looked in my direction. I wanted a fight. A knock-down, drag-out, fists flying fight. I wanted to beat the whole world up. I wanted others to know my pain, and I wanted pain enough to cry.
I did cry, eventually. Under the cover of pine trees and dusk, when I knew for certain that the moving truck would be gone. When I no longer had to see the sad brown eyes staring back at me, or hear the promises of daily letters and one-day-we-will visits.
She was gone. And she took with her all the art and color and trust that had filled me. I felt drained of everything except defeat. I screamed into the Truckee river, the scream of a wild, abandoned child, and I bitterly harbored half a hope that she would hear me.
2.
I hear you screaming now, my friend. And I know, I really do, how hard this is for you. It came as a shock, although in my mind this last scene has played over and over again until it finally wore down to the inevitable.
I can’t, I won’t, compete with your darkly romantic visions of a slow suicide by neglect and Jack Daniels. I won’t be the one to keep your secrets anymore, because they are killing you, cell by cell, moment by moment, day by dreary day.
You climbed the ladder with drunken energy, only to let go effortlessly once you were near the top. There, crumpled into yourself, nothing mattered. Not those who felt obliged to nurture you back to health, or those who acted as both catalyst and crutch. Not those who paid your bills when you forgot, or remembered your children’s birthdays.
I was there when you bought your house. It was a beautiful house, once, and just what you always dreamed of – water, mountains, privacy, room for dogs and cats and horses. Now I walk inside and everything has turned into garbage. There are puddles on the floor, mountains of filthy clothes, rotting food on the counters. There are no animals in sight except the dark-eyed one that sits among the melted candles and artistic ruins, drinking herself into oblivion.
It turns my stomach to think that you live like this. That you, who are capable of so much beauty, and who worked so hard to produce and attain it, could let everything turn to a pile of shit in a matter of a few years.
I’ve wanted to scream, but I held back, not wanting to hurt you. I’ve wanted to grab you by the shoulders and shake you back to life. I have felt anger so primal that it took all my willpower not to add the mark of my hand to where yours had been, and punch holes in the walls. I thought, wrongly, that gentleness would sway you. I thought, maybe, if I washed the clothes and mopped up the puddles, and held your hand, and whispered in your ear, and showed you how deeply you were loved, that something would click.
Instead, it was all a huge disconnect. You. Me. The World. But mostly you. Growing so numb that I have to wonder how much of you is really left. Your eyes are void. Your dry skin hangs from fragile looking bones. Even your tears are dry. Pathetic, heaving sobs begin and end in wanting, needing, insisting on more of something, but it’s always vague and never named. You wallow in the dirt of self-pity, and tell me you are stuck, but your nearly lifeless hands reach for nothing except another grimy glass.
And there’s him. The leech that has sucked you down into some lover’s abyss I’ll never understand. He loves you, you tell me, but from here it looks like greed and a matter of ease. You, not for the first time, are so willing to let everything go for that one man who will finally take you into the less-than-zero zone. If you both have your way, and I’m now convinced you will, you’ll be worth less than zero when he is through living off your lifeblood and scavenging through your possessions. Then again, you might be dead and it won’t matter anymore. He’ll stay and pick through the bones like the vulture he is, and the rest of us – those who have truly loved you and tried to protect you – will have to sieve through our anger to find our grief.
It’s one thing to fight you. We have fought before, and fairly. Two against one, though, is one too many.
I am saying goodbye, my once-precious friend, and there will be no promises of letters or one-day anything. I am done, because you are done. Because I still have a life left, and I can’t live it fully while I’m trying to manage the one you and your two deadly habits are intent on destroying. There’s no damage control I can do that will ever rise above your need to experience some kind of death daily.
Do not dare tell me that I have not loved you well enough, or strong enough, or deep enough. I have loved you far too long, and way too much. I’ve kept your secrets and indulged your disease, and drained myself of time, money, and energy in order to give you whatever temporary relief would get you through another day. My love for you long ago exceeded any expectation of mutuality, and I have loved alone. Alone. Like a wild child, desperate to hang onto my one true companion – The Girl Who Once Was.
I will miss her. I will miss you not nearly as much.
12 responses so far ↓
1 Kate // Apr 27, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Love.
From a distance.
Is all
that’s
left.
Altered, it is still love.
And it is precious.
And worthwhile.
And good for you to give.
Love from a distance, yes, I agree. Love into a vacuum though isn’t as worthwhile. Thank you, Kate. - Jane
2 Donna L. Faber // Apr 27, 2008 at 7:26 pm
OH dear … grieving begins.
3 Ann Parker // Apr 27, 2008 at 9:05 pm
Sadly, an adict is an adict.
4 Barbara // Apr 28, 2008 at 12:29 am
I once heard you speak about the need for personal sanctuary, and one of the lines was “to build a sanctuary, you must first clear the land….of old, dead roots and toxic relationships.”
You then went on to talk about what value you would place on the new land, and who would be allowed to enter. I don’t remember everything, but I remember leaving that night questioning things that had encumbered me, and feeling inspired by the idea of building a personal sanctuary.
I am happy that you have decided to rebuild your own space, and suspect that if this is how you’re starting off your year of revolution, then the end result is going to be much more life-affirming and positive. You can’t save the world, but you can almost always save yourself.
Love you, Jane, and love the beautiful writing and open spirit you share here.
Love you, too, Barbara. . .and I’m not just saying that because of your garlic potatoes!
Jane
5 Donna Faber // Apr 28, 2008 at 2:35 pm
Yes, personal sanctuary … mmmmm.
You know, this posting resonates to another of Jane’s that I just read from 2007 called “The Forgiveness Trap”. In that post, Jane asserts that we must first forgive ourselves and find our worthiness before we can even approach forgiving others. Jane courageously states that such forgiveness isn’t really beneficial or necessary to the hurt person! Obviously, it is something that Jane’s childhood friend was unable to do.
I’ve been through so much with my own mother, neglect/abuse, you name it … and I carried it with me for years and years. Then, in 2005, a series of both spiritual and mundane events helped me find my own “worthiness”, and shortly thereafter, I was able to cast off the baggage. In doing so, I no longer felt the need to “forgive” anyone, because the issue became one of self-respect and self-esteem. I was no longer willing to accept tiny scraps of attention from people that didn’t appreciate me or really care about me. In this, I found myself able to express my true emotion in the matter. What was once a tangled mess became understable and communicable.
Such thought-provoking posts, Jane. Truly.
D~
6 Donna Faber // Apr 28, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Oh wait … one last thing.
What I’ve noticed in casual observation is that people who’ve had the benefit of a stable early childhood seem to find their way to self-respect and healthy self-esteem before those whose abuse happened before and up to, say, 5 years old.
Perhaps abuse that occurs before 5 is ingrained differently … it becomes a cancer that is more difficult to extract.
D~
Donna, you’re intuition is right. The NYT recently published excerpts of a study about poverty and neglect and the effects on children, and the younger they are the more long-term and insidious the damage. - Jane
7 Alison // Apr 29, 2008 at 11:25 am
One thing I have learned from a similar experience with a family member is that not all people are strengthened by adversity. Some people willfully, or in resignation, succumb to it. Not everyone is a fighter and not everyone views their life or this world as worth the effort. Death can represent a welcome alternative to someone who believes they’ll be back again with greater insight and a fresh beginning. Even just eternal death can seem preferable to remaining in a society in which you lack both the tools to compete and the desire to conform or adjust.
I think a lot of people these days live variations of self- destructive lives. They may not qualify as starkly suicidal but they actively undermine their longevity, often numbing themselves in the present and passively awaiting their demise and the end to a life that they too won’t miss. For a long time I was unable to accept that rationale and felt compelled to offer or impose my help, neither of which made an impact. In fact, I think it can serve to reinforce the other person’s feelings of being deficient and broken. I now can separate myself from my brother’s choices. I don’t agonize anymore over how I can get him to view his life differently and start to care. It probably will never happen and if his peace comes with his premature passing, it may sound cold, but I’m OK with that.
8 Suzy // Apr 30, 2008 at 5:04 pm
You are such a beautiful writer. Amazing to me.
Thank you, Suzy. It means a lot to me. - Jane
9 kris_D // Apr 30, 2008 at 6:41 pm
“We all live in suspense, from day to day, from hour to hour; in other words, we are the hero in our own story.”
-Mary McCarthy
10 Doris Rose MacBean // May 1, 2008 at 11:01 am
You have touched a very dark place in my core and now I must look at it again.
11 Jane Devin // May 1, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Alison, what a deep and richly thought-out comment and, no, it does not sound cold at all.
“Even just eternal death can seem preferable to remaining in a society in which you lack both the tools to compete and the desire to conform or adjust.”
It’s true, Alison. That is the crux of suicide, no matter what the weapon.
Your insight is amazing.
12 Donna // May 3, 2008 at 9:10 pm
Jane,
I’ve been reading your blogs-essays. You are very lyrical, wise, and tell amazing stories of feelings that are so true, rare, open, all the while having a story left untold.
Sorry, you’ve had to deal with someone who meant so much to you who has an addiction. One just has to wonder why some people travel to the dark, remain there…have you ever been on the brinkness of darkness?
Thank you, Donna. And yes, like many people, I’ve been there. Why some pull out and others don’t, or don’t want to, must revolve around a sense of hopelessness. While I’ve felt hopeless before, I’ve never been without hope, even if it wasn’t practical. I think that’s the difference between those who make it out of the dark and those who don’t. -Jane
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