There Is No Shame in Surrender
Please listen.
There is no shame in understanding that it’s too much, or in recognizing your limitations.
There is no shame in giving your child up for adoption.
Please don’t let shame be your weakness, or let it decide your child’s fate. Those eyes that surround you, whether at school, at work, or at the family table, cannot see into your future. They are not the ones who have to be emotionally, financially, and physically responsible for a child.
They will not be there for the all-night crying jags, the teething pains, or the earaches. They will not be the ones responsible for bottles, diapers, doctor visits, or daycare. That will be you, and chances are, only you.
There is no shame in knowing that you are not ready. Maybe you are too young. Maybe your temperament does not yet have the patience necessary to parent. Maybe your financial situation is unstable with no promise of a quick or easy recovery. Maybe there are dreams you’ve yet to fulfill that you would regret forgoing if you stopped to raise a child. Maybe this is just the wrong time, or you’re with the wrong partner.
You, and more importantly, your child, do not have to be the victims of circumstance. You can, instead, gather your courage and strength, face your own truths and reality, and with no small amount of pride, you can surrender.
You can surrender knowing that no matter how other people in your life question your decision, or how they may judge you, you have made a decision based on the the purest,and most unselfish kind of love. You, through adoption, have given your child the ultimate gift — a secure home with people who are excited about being parents — who will love your child and provide him or her with stability and every opportunity for happiness.
Maybe you didn’t have that kind of happiness growing up. Maybe you imagine that all that love you have stored up inside will make up for everything else.
Please know — and this is a hard, hard truth — it doesn’t.
Love cannot buy you the time it takes to care for a child. It cannot provide a paycheck that will cover your expenses. At three in the morning, when your child is crying, love does not buy you patience. At three in the afternoon, when you’re bone tired, it won’t buy you a much needed rest. When you want to go out at night — when you need to have some fun — love will not buy you a babysitter.
Love is not a cure for desperation. A child’s love, as defenseless and unconditional as it is, will not fix the broken pieces of a life. Having a child is not a cure for sadness, loneliness, or depression.
No matter how many others in your life are excited about your pregnancy — no matter how many declarations of love, baby showers and well-wishes there are while you are pregnant — eventually you will be left alone with a helpless infant. One who is totally dependent on you 24 hours a day. One who will be dependent on you for many years, not just for love, but for every single thing in their existence.
If you are not ready for that, if you are not prepared, there’s no shame in surrender.
There’s no shame in surrender when they are newly born, or even when they are months old.
There is no shame in picking up the phone and saying –
I need help. I thought I could do this, but it’s too much. I can’t.
Somewhere, there are loving, patient, ready arms waiting to hold that child. Somewhere in your heart is the courage to surrender what you created so that he or she can have the best life possible.
There is no shame in surrender. Only in hanging on past the point of reason. Beyond the point of love.
(For further information, please see first comment).
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For more information on the Aidan Waller tragedy:
WTOC 11
News3
My previous article, Dangerous Choices, is in part a plea for changes in the foster care system. It is time to overhaul the system that recycles defenseless children back into abusive homes. It is time to end the “Keep the Family Together” at all costs system, and replace it with a system in which children’s lives and needs are paramount — not the lives and needs of their biological parents.
Please, do whatever you can, however you can, to help bring these changes about. A ten minute letter, a .41 cent stamp, a five minute phone call to your Senator’s office. I know that it gets tiring fighting the same battle all the time, but remember who it is we’re fighting for. For children like Aidan, like Rowan, like Anthony.
DNA does not make a family. A family is bonded through trust, stability, physical and emotional care, and love. Adoption needs to be a more promoted, better funded, faster, and less stigmatizing option.
Thank you.
OhJane, as soon as I stp crying I will. Poor poor precious baby.
And I will pray. Alot.
If this plea makes just one young pregnant girl stop and consider then it was worth it to sit through the heartbreaking video and words. When you’re young you think you can handle so much, and you don’t know and can’t know what it’s like, and don’t want to hear any advice, but this message is so important. Love alone will not give a woman or a child all that they need.
Thank you Jane for putting this plea out there, I hope it does not fall on deaf ears.
(Why do your comments go off & on?)
Beautiful truth, beautifully written.
dear jane,
thank you for these words. being a champion of adoption and an adoptive mom, i was deeply touched. i would love to link to your site this sunday as i feature an adoption/infertility article each sunday …if that is okay with you.
very cool.
thank you for being an adoption advocate. infant adoption (with less than 1% of over 1.5 million who experience an unplanned pregnancy choosing to place) is dying in the united states. we need you!
thanks again.
mrs. r
http://www.therhouse.blogspot.com
Your essay to birthmothers is well written. They are AMAZING heros- I have 2 adopted children & love both of their birthmothers dearly. I think the girl in the video has more problems then an unwanted child- she’s disturbed. I hope she serves a good amount of time in prison so she can think about the results of her actions.
Placing your child, to me, is the closest thing to being “Christ-like”. It is the act of placing the welfare of your child above your own feelings no matter how painful it may be. I know there are wonderful blessings for these young women who make such a difficult decision!
That video was so sad. You are right. I surrendered a baby boy 21 years ago. While my heart aches and misses him every single day, I know that what I did was right for him and for me. He grew up with two parents that loved him dearly and raised him far better than me, a 17 year old single girl could have. Too many times this is not even considered as an option any more and it makes me really sad. Too many times I hear people say “how could somebody give their own child away?” To me it is the ultimate sacrifice and showing of love. It is NOT the easy way out, that’s for sure!
Jane, such a hard truth to face, such an eloquent message for those in need of help.
It is beyond the scope of reality for me to see this precious baby, and so many others, in this kind of situation. The system is broken, and it needs to be fixed.
Thank you.
From what I understand, and forgive me if I’m wrong, you’re also pro-abortion?
If that’s the case, isn’t your plea a bit hypocritical? And why no mention or plea for
better welfare programs that allow children to stay at home with their God given parents, especially their mothers? You realize that welfare’s been cut, right? Maybe if people weren’t so stressed out trying to pay the rent,they wouldn’t abuse their kids. Some would because they’re like that naturally, but others are reacting to stress. I think it’s horrible to make finances one of the issues of parenthood. What if you’re paralyzed, or have some other disorder? Should kids be ’surrendered’ then too? What about if you’re just a social outcast, or a person without higher education?
There’s a whole bunch of reasons the social do-gooders urge adoption, but many of them are based in prejudice over the poor and the weak, and that’s wrong, in my opinion! Diversity hinges on having people of all type with children of all types, not just those in the suburbs.
Ananda,
I don’t believe my views on abortion are pertinent to this article, but I don’t mind sharing them. I believe a woman’s legal right to choose abortion is, and should remain, a fundamental right. However, that does not make me “pro-abortion” but pro-choice.
In the arena of choice, adoption seems to have been set out on the periphery as an option of last resort — not only for those birth mothers whose spiritual views are opposed to abortion, but for others who find themselves unexpectedly pregnant.
While the promotion of adoption has been part of a conservative religious movement to eradicate Roe v. Wade, there are other religious and secular groups that are far more interested in promoting the benefits of adoption than in advocating for a certain creed.
While one can decide to have an abortion behind closed doors, leaving family and friends none the wiser, the choice to carry a child to term and give him or her to adoptive parents is much, much harder. The influence of, and perceptions of, others in a young woman’s life may effect her decision. Often, there is a stigma attached to the adoption question – how could you give your baby up? Oh, I could never do that to my baby. No one can take care of a baby better than his own mother. These types of comments often come from well-meaning people, but they don’t take the long-term picture into consideration.
So, the short answer to your question is no, it’s not hypocritical to advocate for adoption while supporting the legal right of a woman to choose. Adoption, though, is also a choice, and one we need to actively promote as a viable, loving, and most importantly non-stigmatizing option.
Your welfare argument has far too many holes to address, but let me ask you this, Ananda – if financial stress is, in your opinion, a trigger that causes otherwise rational and prepared parents to abuse a child, what about other stresses? Say a bad day at work, or a death in the family? All parents have stresses, some worse than others, but only abusive parents beat their children.
Abusive parents don’t beat their children because they are in financial distress, but because they do not have the emotional resources, the maturity level, or sometimes even the desire, to cope. Too many times, they didn’t plan on becoming parents and are frustrated and overwhelmed. Money, as necessary as it is, is not a cure-all. It can’t rearrange someone’s internal wiring, when that wiring is faulty or not yet fully developed. It can’t bring the desire or ambition to be a better parent, and it can’t make an unwanted child wanted.
Your prejudicial view that only the only people to promote adoption to would be “poor and weak” seems geared more towards your personal views than any that have been expressed here.
Adoption is an option – a beautiful and loving option – for people from all walks of life who are unprepared to be parents.
So incredibly sad video but even more sad that it happened at all. I often wondered why children that have been abused are EVER returned. I mean we only have one childhood, one life shouldn’t there only be one chance? But I guess life is not black and white. I wonder if it would make a difference if the parents were in a transitional housing being monitored and getting real support for several months before getting a child back?
I can’t imagine ANYBODY being judgmental of a birthmom’s decision. It has got to be one of the most painful and selfless decisions a woman can make. Shame on those who do not stand in amazement that somebody can be that loving. I love our daughter’s birthmom. She has not only given life to our daughter but given me a new life in a way as well. I celebrate her and all that is wonderful and good about her and consider her extended family. Our little girl will grow up knowing that we all love her including her birth family.
Thoughts and prayers go out to little Aiden. Maybe somebody will read your post and that will be one less little hurt angel.
Thank you!
Julia
Twenty two years ago, my troubled older sister gave her child up for adoption and Jane, you are so right, so many people were opposed to her decision, including my mother, who knew that she was not altogether stable. It made it so much harder for her, and there were months spent afterwards in tears.
She kept saying she wasn’t ready and couldn’t hand it and people kept telling her that all mothers felt that way and she’d feel different when the baby came. But through all of that pressure, she stuck to her guns. She was eighteen.
She had her second child at 24 and she was married. Her husband really wanted a child, but she didn’t seem that sure about it. This time though she didn’t express her fears. Flash forward three years, and she is divorced, the father is a single father, and she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She had always had problems, but now they had a name. The divorce was in large part over her neglect of their son. Diapers not changed, meals not given, cries ignored.
Even on medication, her moods go high and then wane. She has difficulty connecting with people and when she does it’s because more often than not she’s feeling needy.
It’s been so hard to watch. I think of her 1st son, and hope he had it much better than her 2nd.
Guess I should add that her 2nd son didn’t fair so well? You probably guessed that, but no, he didn’t. He had social attachment disorder from not bonding as an infant and was kicked out of many schools. He dropped out at 14. He’s now serving 15 years for robbery and assault.
It’s too sad to write about.
I am full circle…was adopted when I was an infant got pregnant by accident early gave up my son to a family who wanted/needed him…he was loved and now I have beautifal little girl who says she want to adopt a baby when she grows up becasue there are babies who need mommies….When I chose to place my son for adoption, I knew it was the first truely GROWN UP decision I had ever made and to this day I have never once regretted the choice. I wonder about him, I send out good energy towards him…but not for a minute do I regret.
To Birthmothers everywhere!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is no shame is PLACEMENT. You are not surrendering a precious life…….you are thoughtfully placing a child in loving arms. Stop and think for one moment how life-giving this may be for all parties: for you, for the child, and for people like me who have ached for a child for years. Your - yes, your placement of your child filled our once empty home with love. Surrendering sounds final. My young birthmother PLACED her child into our arms 10 years ago and she is a vibrant part of our lives. Sophia is loved by two families!
This clip breaks my heart…. the tears and heartache….beyond words. I think Jane (as usual) does a wonderful job expressing the importance of the bottom line, a child’s well being. It doesn’t matter why, who, what or where only that a child, a baby has a fair chance at growing up. It’s not about money, it’s about the ability to love, care for and be responsible for another life.
In the last couple of weeks there was a horrific crime against a 2 year old near where I live. When I heard what happened I was literally sick to my stomach. I find myself unable to listen to all the bits and pieces of what happened, who, what, where and why etc. etc. etc. I don’t care about that anymore…. that should not be the focus. We spend too much time justifying how something so horrific could happen, rather than finding ways and means so that it NEVER happens.
I agree with Jane. We need to take the shame away. Woman need to have choices, if she decides to carry a child she then needs to know she has options, at any time. No stigmas attached. Family, friends, and neighbors may need to step up for the benefit of a child.
Laura, I am glad for your overall message although I think you misunderstood the use of the word surrender. No where in their does she talk about surrendering a baby, only surrendering the idea that you must or should keep a baby when you’re not ready.
I work at a residential behavioral treatment facility for girls from 12-17. For nine years I have heard the stories, and seen the scars, emotional and physical.
In those nine years, do you know how many adopted children have been in this program? Out of a couple thousand? One. And she was adopted at three years old and already had problems.
I know that not all adoptive families are perfect, but imperfect seems preferable to neglectful, whether on purpose or not. And I think, when it’s possible, that open adoption is a great idea as long as its a healthy relationship.
The girls I deal with come mostly from abusive or neglectful homes. They are left with so much damage, and an inability to get along in the world. Sometimes they turn aggressive, but many times they turn on themselves. They don’t value their bodies, so they give them away, or cut themselves, or starve or overeat. They don’t always know what love is, but they feel a craving for it anyway, and a gang, or a boyfriend, will take the place of family.
And yes, sometimes they get pregnant without a thought to birth control, believing that a baby is going to make everything better, or give them a more important role. For some, there’s even a feeling of status. To be a mama is preferable to being a powerless girl. And that’s how so many feel, powerless.
I am sorry for rambling. Jane, this was disturbing and familiar all at the same time. I am going to copy your post and save this video.
Jane another inspiring article. The video is heartbreaking. For I know a couple who who are desperate for a baby. So sad, very very sad. I will pray for Aiden.
I would tell you to think about what you are doing to young mothers who LOVE their children and want to keep them, but I know you don’t care. You want these young mothers to give up their children so that you can have them, and you don’t care about the heartbreak, agony, and lifetime of deep psychological scars that it leaves on both adoptees (who have been abandoned, and whose pain from that abandonment is routinely ignored), and on the poor woman who OUT OF LOVE listened to people like you.
People who will abuse their child don’t give them up. The only people who will be swayed by your “love isn’t enough” argument ARE the people for whom love WOULD be enough- enough to make them sacrifice anything and everything to protect and love their child. You exploit their love, telling them it’s not enough, so that you can have the child you covet.
You don’t care about the woman, and you don’t care about the child. Instead of fighting against abuse, you fight FOR abandonment by women whose love IS enough to have her giving her all, sacrificing everything. Your intentional and cruel telling girls that they WILL NOT be able to handle being a mother and that they WILL abuse their child of course makes any truly loving (and impressionable) young mother terrified.
Which results in you getting what you want, results in an unnecessary adoptee, and results in a LIFETIME of UNBEARABLE PAIN for another mother.
Nothing is open and shut. My husband and I tried for eight years to have a child, and sadly we couldn’t. We went through the rigorous screening process for adoption, and the birthmother that chose us wanted an open adoption. We readily agreed. The plan was for occasional visits and regular updates by mail.
I won’t tell the whole story here, but it was sad, painful and tragic. The birth mother it seems didn’t just want an open adoption, she wanted to be, in every way and constantly, part of our family. She wanted to spend the night and weekends. She wanted money. She wanted food. She wanted, and expected, us to fix all of her problems. We were, she said, beholden to her since it was her that gave us our daughter.
We had no desire to take the birth mother to court, but we ended up having to as the demands kept increasing. We had to move, and change our phone number. The outcome of that is now an unending string of supervised visitations, some of which she shows for and some she doesn’t. We never know, but we have to show up every week on time, regardless of what other plans we may have.
Our daughter, who’s six now, is only confused by these visits. Her best interests were not considered by the courts as important as the rights of the birth mother to see her.
We love our daughter enormously and would do anything at all for her, but the one thing we couldn’t do, and aren’t allowed to do now, is decide what’s best for her. The courts decided that, and left us feeling less like parents than guardians.
I would not take back my decision, but only because Kylie is my world. But when other people ask me, I tell them that they should be very careful about open adoptions.
Lots of people, like Laura above, have great success stories, so I know it’s possible, but unfortunately it’s not always the case.
Nothing is open and shut. My husband and I tried for eight years to have a child, and sadly we couldn’t. We went through the rigorous screening process for adoption, and the birthmother that chose us wanted an open adoption. We readily agreed. The plan was for occasional visits and regular updates by mail.
I won’t tell the whole story here, but it was sad, painful and tragic. The birth mother it seems didn’t just want an open adoption, she wanted to be, in every way and constantly, part of our family. She wanted to spend the night and weekends. She wanted money. She wanted food. She wanted, and expected, us to fix all of her problems. We were, she said, beholden to her since it was her that gave us our daughter.
We had no desire to take the birth mother to court, but we ended up having to as the demands kept increasing. We had to move, and change our phone number. The outcome of that is now an unending string of supervised visitations, some of which she shows for and some she doesn’t. We never know, but we have to show up every week on time, regardless of what other plans we may have.
Our daughter, who’s six now, is only confused by these visits. Her best interests were not considered by the courts as important as the rights of the birth mother to see her.
We love our daughter enormously and would do anything at all for her, but the one thing we couldn’t do, and aren’t allowed to do now, is decide what’s best for her. The courts decided that, and left us feeling less like parents than guardians.
I would not take back my decision, but only because Kylie is my world. But when other people ask me, I tell them that they should be very careful about open adoptions.
Lots of people, like Laura above, have great success stories, so I know it’s possible, but unfortunately it’s not always the case.
Amris, I saw your post after I posted my mine and watched your youtube video. I’m sorry you regret your decision, and I’m sorry to have read at the end of your video that you don’t believe in adoption at all. That it’s just a big industry so that rich people can take children away from the poor, and one that leaves a lifetime of pain for adoptees and birth moms. I am sorry that you feel the guilt you do, and have come to this kind of one-sided conspiratorial belief.
It doesn’t seem you ever stopped to consider that maybe Austin is truly happy right now? That maybe children can be happy with parents who don’t share their DNA?
What the article said was: “There is no shame in knowing that you are not ready. Maybe you are too young. Maybe your temperament does not yet have the patience necessary to parent. Maybe your financial situation is unstable with no promise of a quick or easy recovery. Maybe there are dreams you’ve yet to fulfill that you would regret forgoing if you stopped to raise a child. Maybe this is just the wrong time, or you’re with the wrong partner.”
What you heard seems to be quite different. It’s not all about who has the most money, not at all. It’s about who is ready. Who is prepared enough, patient enough, and stable enough.
I’m sorry you regret your decision, and I hope you find yourself at a place one day where you can consider the possibility that Austin is deeply loved by more than one person.
Amris, I saw your post after I posted my mine and watched your youtube video. I’m sorry you regret your decision, and I’m sorry to have read at the end of your video that you don’t believe in adoption at all. That it’s just a big industry so that rich people can take children away from the poor, and one that leaves a lifetime of pain for adoptees and birth moms. I am sorry that you feel the guilt you do, and have come to this kind of one-sided conspiratorial belief.
It doesn’t seem you ever stopped to consider that maybe Austin is truly happy right now? That maybe children can be happy with parents who don’t share their DNA?
What the article said was: “There is no shame in knowing that you are not ready. Maybe you are too young. Maybe your temperament does not yet have the patience necessary to parent. Maybe your financial situation is unstable with no promise of a quick or easy recovery. Maybe there are dreams you’ve yet to fulfill that you would regret forgoing if you stopped to raise a child. Maybe this is just the wrong time, or you’re with the wrong partner.”
What you heard seems to be quite different. It’s not all about who has the most money, not at all. It’s about who is ready. Who is prepared enough, patient enough, and stable enough.
I’m sorry you regret your decision, and I hope you find yourself at a place one day where you can consider the possibility that Austin is deeply loved by more than one person.
Blessings to everyone.
To little Aidan and his family, and yes, his mother and father. So young, it’s a tragedy.
To those that gave out of love and those who received in love.
My birthmother heart beats strong knowing that at 16, I did the very best thing I could do for my little one, and set an angel into the arms of those who would treat her like the gift she is.
Blessing to the little one, and to the gentle people who are guiding her through life.
I have since had three blessings, each precious, and each as loved as the first. For these three, I was older, wiser, more capable. Each smile is a reflection back to my spirit.
Blessings be. And blessed are those who love children, whether they are near or far.
“”I’m sorry you regret your decision,”"
What decision? What decision is made when people shove videos like this in your face and say, “give up your child, or this is you”? That’s not a choice. Harming a child in that manner is never a valid choice. And even as you sit and say that you would never do it, people remind you that, no doubt, they never thought they would, either… therefor you must be capable of it if they are.
That’s no decision. That’s other people like this woman exploiting my love.
Did it ever occur to you that Austin could have been happy with his mother? Did it ever occur to you that it was senseless to threaten that I would be like these people, since I am not, and never was, even at ages younger than them?
Did it ever occur to you, or to any of these people happily nodding that “yes, you should abandon your child for your child’s own good” that helping people understand the value of children, of families, and offering HELP is better than simply telling someone, “you are young, therefor you will be JUST LIKE THIS” and showing videos of horrific actions?
Apparently not.
There are rare cases in which adoption is best. But there are FAR too many cases like this. Where someone exploits the insecurities and fears of a young person in order to steal their child.
Regret my decision? There never was a decsion, because there was no choice. Harming a child in the manner in that video is NOT a valid choice. And just like this woman paints in this post, and so many adoption “professionals” paint… the choices here appear to be only,
RELINQUISH OR THIS IS YOUR CHILD!!
Not true in far too many cases. Obviously, if the people who will abuse their children were out there relinquishing, there WOULD BE NO VIDEO to show. But instead, it’s people whose insecurities can be preyed upon by people like this woman. People who say, “love’s not enough,” and then gives the veiled threat that some 3 am feeding, you are going to bite your baby’s penis, just like she did…
Not every young or unprepared mother beats her baby, burns her baby, or in any way abuses her baby. Instead of just saying, “give up your child, you’re too young, you won’t have the patience or the money to care for him,” maybe we should bestir ourselves to show them that there is HELP for them.
But then we couldn’t buy their child, could we.
Never mind, scratch that, back to the drawingboard for more ways to exploit girls into giving up their children.
One of my favorites is “don’t be SELFISH and keep your child,” how about you?
You can moderate my comments all you want, but YOU will see.
Children and mothers deserve to be together and love one another, not to have the insecurities of a young mother used to exploit her and take away her child.
Amris, comments are moderated when they seek to flame others or disrupt a conversation. Your points have been heard. I disagree with your adoption-is-an-evil philosophy and, as I have set forth in several articles, I believe it is the child’s interests and not the parents that must be paramount. Children are defenseless. Adults are not. Children must come first if their interests are to be protected. As for your argument on exploitation, it could also be used for so many other things. Drunk driving commercials showing the consequences of a poor decision would be seeking to “exploit” all those who drink — it would be a fear tactic used to shame them into not drinking alcohol at all. Ditto for all stories inspired by tragedy or containing a thought-provoking warning.
The video above does not say “this could happen to you”, at least not to me. It says, instead, that it can happen to people we don’t expect it to happen to. Popular people, high school sweethearts, people who are in love and excited about having a baby.
It was that thought that inspired this article — not some desire to wretch babies out of the arms of those who are prepared and ready to raise them. The article was meant to make people think: Can I do this? Am I ready? Do I have the patience?
I think most people reading understood that. I’m sorry that you did not, and choose instead to believe that it’s “evil” or “monstrous” to ask young mothers to confront those questions when making a life-changing decision effecting not only her, but a defenseless child. - Jane
Jane, this beautiful thread shouldn’t get hijacked.
I understood your article, and know that love for children abounds. It really is all about the kids, and it should be. Whatever society can do for adults is limited, but what we can do for children is so much more. We can’t make irresponsible or immature or “not ready” parents responsible, mature, and ready. We can’t give them a new set of circumstances, but we can do that for a child, and when it’s for their best, we should.
I was raised in the high range of poor, but my parents were totally solid people who made sure we had what we needed, including time and attention as well as all the practical stuff. We were disciplined, but never beaten. Neither of them were highly educated, but they wanted to be parents, and didn’t take the responsibility lightly. Of course, we also had lots of other family and that helped. We were never left alone to fend for ourselves, and we never felt neglected.
Bless you Jane for all you do on behalf of the children who weren’t as lucky.
Hi Barbara,
And the other point of the video was….. THIS CHILD WAS RETURNED TO THE PARENTS AFTER BEING TAKEN AWAY BY SOCIAL SERVICES.
Sorry for shouting, but I think some have missed that very important point. The child was abused, the abuse was reported by the child’s grandma according to the news articles, and the abuse was confirmed MONTHS PRIOR to little Aiden’s death. Aiden was given to his grandma, and then SENT BACK even though grandma begged them not too!!
And grandma is the maternal grandmother. She knew her daughter was NOT capable.
LOTS OF LESSONS in this story, and all PREVENTABLE.
So it makes me think…….WHAT IF Aiden’s mom had, the first time she was found to be abusing, asked herself if adoption might not be better?
WHAT IF……she had put Aiden’s needs above her own selfish desires, and what IF she was encouraged to do so????
Aiden would be alive.
He would be alive.
Would you people please stop calling every mother who relinquishes her child a BIRTH mother? It’s very grating to read how wonderful these natural mothers are… then see ‘that word’ (chosen by adoption agencies to put the first moms in their place) which is very insulting.
LBJ, you are talking about a post which is about ONE child who was abused by sick parents, yet the original post was more about the ‘loving option’ of relinquishing your child to ‘loving’ adoptive parents. There are many stories of adoptees who have been abused, who never connected with their adoptive parents and who are unable to connect with their natural, first parents.
Adopted children are often loved because they make a family for people who can’t have children, but those children grow up and because of genetics often have nothing in common with the adoptive parents, who loved them when they were cute babies but turned away once the ‘child’ got older. There are many, many cases of that happening. Adoptive parents are not ‘better’ parents than the first mom would be.
Have you heard the saying that “adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary condition”. Mothers grow up - most do not abuse their children - and life goes on. If she makes the ‘loving option’, there is a good chance that mother will be in pain for the rest of her life wondering where her child is.
The adoptive mom, who wrote about the “bad birthmom” who she had to cater to… sorry, but that story is unbelievable. There is no court in this land who would enforce an open adoption… there is no such thing as an open adoption. Move, change your address and phone number and hope your grown child forgives you for cutting her/him off from his first family. WE have no rights.
My son would have been better off with me than growing up in an adoptive home. He wasn’t abused physically but the mental abuse was horrific. Those adopted children DO grow up, you know… to talk and tell their side. Visit Bastard Nation if you don’t believe me.
Hey LBJ, I totally agree. And here’s what I don’t get. Those people who somehow believe that there’s some magical “help” that could be given to girls who aren’t ready to be moms.
You can give out food and subsidized housing and help people find work and daycare, but the point is, if they couldn’t get those resources on their own, how are they supposed to get them for a child?
A child’s time goes by quickly. It can take years to teach self-sufficiency if someone did not learn it in their own childhood.
My heart breaks for women who face these decisions. I suspect that most who don’t feel they can do it, get an abortion. I read somewhere that something like 1% of unwanted pregnancies end in adoption. I don’t think any decision is easy. Abortion, adoption, or keeping. Each carries their own set of hurts, even the keeping, because when you are not in a position to do everything you’d like to for your kid, it’s painful, too.
Right, PJ, all sorts of parents can end up being bad parents, but so can “natural” ones. You say Bastard Nation. Okay, but how many sites and books are there that tell the tale of abuse and neglect by “natural” parents? They number in the thousands.
There are no guarantees, ever. People just have to make the very best and most informed decision they can at the time, and know that in the Majority of cases, it was the right one.
Jane, some months ago you urged your bloggers to take a vow to make a call when we sensed that something was wrong. Some years ago I took that vow. I saw something and still don’t know if it was right or wrong to call, but the moment passed before I made the decision. I made the vow after that to call no matter what. I honored that vow once since then because of a domestic disturbance on a parking lot that envolved a young child. The importance of taking the vow is that you don’t have to waste time deciding if you should call. You already decided when you made the vow. I will continue to always call.
i am crying for my own selfish reasans
i wish i had been adopted, so many times
all the time. i saw those kids who were lovd
& i wanted to be one of them,
but i was a me. #3 of 4, come at a bad time,
& they never let me forget that i was not wanted.
i was kicked & beaten for even tiniest things
i was told i would never amount to nothing
& i believed it for so long, thinking that God
agreed, because otherwise, why would there
be a them, and then a me?
im a good mom, but not perfect,
but i know my kids never wished they had another
me, or a different mom,
but it was so hard & so much a strouggle
to come out of that abuse
to know that i was not a peice of shit
but a real person
& one who could be happy.
it took me a long time to find any
sort of yellow. to see any sort of
bright on the horizen.
i think now children should be proetcted.
No PJ, I will not stoop to calling myself, the adoptive mother, an unnatural mother in order to appease a small, disgruntled set of people whose egos are so huge that they cannot possibly imagine that anybody else could love with as much passion as they do. Who think that children have all the time in the world to wait for their parents to grow up. Who don’t care what price those children pay, just as long as birth mom’s selfish heart is made happy.
Genetics? Oh please!! A Mengele argument for getting along? That is just so asinine. But hey, as long as it bolsters your belief that birth mothers are the paragons of virtue and adoptive ones all come from hell. Whatever gets you through, I guess.
I have three children whose mothers chose not to place them for adoption as infants. Instead, the children had to suffer severe neglect while waiting for their mamas - to grow up, get off drugs, get a job, quit partying, get mental help, or just to pay attention.
My first, my daughter, was eight years old before the courts finally terminated the rights of her parents. She has FAS and is developmentally disabled.
My second, a son, was four years old when he was placed with us as a foster child. He was still wearing diapers and could barely speak. He screamed when the lights went out when he first came.
My third son was almost five, and he too came to us through the foster care system. He has burns covering 25% of his body thanks to his birth mother, who fought tooth and nail to keep him from being adopted, even if it meant he’d be in foster care for years. Yeah, that’s some natural “love” there.
These are MY children, and I am their MOTHER no matter where they came from. I love them, I teach them, I spend my days and nights nurturing them, and I would lay down my life for any of them.
My daughter is a bubbly pre-teen now, full of giggles, and an obsessive love for all things Hello Kitty. She attends a great school and functions at about a 4th grade level, which is excellent considering her level of disability. She is as totally bonded to me and my husband as we are to her.
My sons are both active, energetic, and sweet. The older one is very into soccer, while the younger one takes after his Daddy and loves all sorts of gadgets and cars. Bonding with the second one took quite a long time, he did not trust anyone, but now he is bonded to us, and his brother and sister.
Our house is full of love, and hope, and we look to the future, not the past.
Tsunamis are “natural”. “Natural” is not always better, and sometimes its even dangerous.
Thank you everyone for your comments. I could not have asked for a more diverse set of opinions and experiences.
Comments are now closed. Thank you to all who read, and who shared their thoughts.